by wqtz on 5/13/25, 1:08 PM with 212 comments
by alphazard on 5/13/25, 2:59 PM
The stress comes from people who are bad at what they do and are trying to make it someone else's problem. They don't have vision for how they will accomplish what is asked of them. In their imagination, there is not a clear set of steps that can be burned down over the coming days and weeks to arrive at something of value. In their minds it is all chaos and uncertainty and they are desperate for the assurance of someone who knows what's going on.
The relationships that one develops with each category of person are fundamentally opposite. One is about enticing repeated interactions: You really get it, how do we work together in the future? And the other is about keeping a polite distance to prevent repeated interactions. How do I avoid meetings, projects, shared responsibilities, and future employment opportunities that involve this person?
by cj on 5/13/25, 2:02 PM
by neilv on 5/13/25, 5:35 PM
Relationships can also help you mitigate the dysfunctional environment while you're there, with huge benefits to your health.
(Don't underestimate when people say stress kills you: it's not a video game health meter that recovers quickly and fully at the end of of an encounter; that bad stress is damage from which you never fully recover.)
But also be aware that supportive relationship oases in a dysfunctional environment can also slow leaving a place where you really-really should.
Some people need to be told to be more loyal than they are, but some people need to be told when loyalty is killing us and not doing any good. (Seriously, your supportive colleagues are probably bittersweet glad to see you escape, and you leaving might even give attention/leverage of management to help fix org problems, or encourage colleagues to expedite their own escape.)
by gdubs on 5/13/25, 9:43 PM
It's dehumanizing, and it undervalues your inherent worth and skill set.
Obviously don't be a jerk. Beyond that you will really damage your mental well-being if you're constantly trying to put on a certain face or worry how things will "play" with recruiters.
The best advice is to try to stay generally optimistic and collaborative, and to take pride in your craft and lead by example. But also not to discount the fact that you might in fact be more capable of following your passions and starting your own thing than you realize.
by itchyjunk on 5/13/25, 1:58 PM
by dpe82 on 5/13/25, 5:00 PM
https://rework.withgoogle.com/en/guides/understanding-team-e... https://archive.is/fFEgI
by MichaelRo on 5/13/25, 2:38 PM
And the reason is, I'm a lowly engineer and that's all. I have zero clout, HR and hiring managers couldn't give a shit of whom I recommend. So if you "prioritize relationships" with an ulterior purpose (get hired eventually by some "relation"), then make sure you relate to the right people :)
by jimkleiber on 5/13/25, 6:06 PM
I see life as emotional combat, that I'm always dealing with so many conflicting conflicts at the same time that I'm trying my best to manage everything and so is everyone else. It has been helping me SO much just to frame life this way.
[0]: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/williams-fighting-battle-q...
by _ink_ on 5/13/25, 3:45 PM
by zhengyi13 on 5/13/25, 2:02 PM
by zphds on 5/13/25, 4:05 PM
by Aziell on 5/14/25, 7:49 AM
Over time, I realized that excessive stress and anxiety weren’t solving anything. In fact, they were making relationships with my colleagues tense. So, I started trying to slow down, giving myself and others some space, and holding onto those connections that I might need in the future.
Because no matter how important work is, relationships will always be the most valuable asset.
by BartSpaans on 5/13/25, 2:06 PM
- Want a promotion? I hope your manager likes you
- Need collaboration from colleagues? Better not be a dick to them
- Want to look for new opportunities? Better have a network
We are social beasts at the end of the day.
by rajnathani on 5/14/25, 10:08 AM
Humans are inherently social beings (there's also a positive correlation of intelligence in animal species with the level of socializing (eg: birds, dolphins, dogs, etc.)).
It's also good to see the term "Social Health" starting to being used these days.
I reckon (tried on myself) that to be able to still prioritize one's personal and work growth, that one could remove self-indulgences like watching TV, browsing public reels (any social media outside of your family and friends), listening to music alone, etc. and instead spend some of that extra time with others. To an extent, these relationships help with personal and work growth as well, for example getting better at a sport or traveling and learning about other industries respectively.
by motohagiography on 5/13/25, 4:52 PM
i'm 'that guy' prety much everywhere, and one reason is that I really just like what I do and am usually committed to the mission over the org. defying pournelle's iron law plays out predictably though.
another reason is Pfeffer's triad, where power in any situation is a local weighting of Performance, Credentials, and Relationships. I trade on performance and cred, where my relationships are often polarized because of the imbalance being heavy in those other weightings.
a friend once described it as the relative skills of an indoors cat vs. an outdoors cat, where an outdoors cat catches all the mice and keeps off some larger animals but will probably scratch the furniture and cause a stink once in a while, whereas an indoors cat keeps the house mostly mouse-free, uses a litter box, but doesn't survive long outside, and if you don't empty the litter box often enough you get toxoplasmosis gondii and become a zombie.
managing indoors and outdoors cats together is an art.
by Daisywh on 5/13/25, 3:49 PM
The job felt disposable, but that small human moment stayed with me.
by Tistron on 5/14/25, 9:31 AM
Yet, about 30% of the source of TFA is a stylesheet. I guess they mean no external stylesheet?
by mclau157 on 5/13/25, 2:06 PM
by otp209 on 5/13/25, 9:43 PM
Relationships are a thing I support outside work. Inside work, I might build rapport and expand my professional network; that is NOT THE SAME as meeting people for the sake of pursuing relationships, and as much as possible one should be kept away from the other.
by taraindara on 5/13/25, 3:18 PM
And it’s true about the “fuck yous”. It instantly reminded me of an old coworker that was let go and was trying to joke about it, but the F U sticks aside from anything else he accomplished while there.
by SamvitJ on 5/14/25, 6:23 AM
by junikaefer on 5/13/25, 4:01 PM
by eviks on 5/13/25, 3:11 PM
by w111 on 5/13/25, 2:20 PM
by M95D on 5/14/25, 10:07 AM
by nottorp on 5/13/25, 4:23 PM
by motbus3 on 5/13/25, 7:24 PM
by xrd on 5/13/25, 3:42 PM
by rendall on 5/13/25, 2:13 PM
Yes: do not snap, blow your top, yell, throw temper tantrums, act like a child.
However, no: in many places and industries, you do not have to rely on the good recommendation of your former boss or coworkers to get your next job. In fact, it may even be illegal for employers to disclose more than your dates of employment and job title. So, check the norms and laws in your region before staying in a toxic job, if you're there only hoping things will get better enough for a decent recommendation.
by tasuki on 5/13/25, 5:20 PM
I think I've been nice to my coworkers for over a decade. If I had felt the need to tell them "fuck you", I absolutely would have. Choose who you work with, and perhaps you won't have to say "fuck you".
by i_love_retros on 5/13/25, 4:01 PM
Even though they are probably your manipulative narcissistic manager or coworker?
by mrichman on 5/13/25, 11:57 PM
by tamaker on 5/14/25, 12:27 AM
by steele on 5/13/25, 2:07 PM
sent from my iPhone