from Hacker News

You Can Gaslight Yourself into Loving Someone

by Wilsoniumite on 8/17/24, 12:35 PM with 14 comments

• by rmetzler on 8/17/24, 3:43 PM

  > a common feeling is that might be making us more judgmental and more picky in our partners. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I love perfection as much as the next person and knowing what's out there helps you narrow down the ideal human being you want to spend your life with.

  I kind of disagree with this. I‘m pretty sure love is something where the 80/20 rule applies as much as everywhere else. Looking for perfection doesn’t make much sense to me, when you can be 80% happy for 20% of the invested time. Try to find someone you can argue with and talk it out without being so angry that one of you walks away forever. Searching for the perfect partner who’s not in a relationship with someone else sounds like a nightmare to me.

  And I’m with the same person for > 20 years, non-married, with a 12yo daughter.

• by ziofill on 8/17/24, 3:32 PM

  This is probably the best part: “And if you're ever feeling down, note that this still works even if that "someone" is you”

• by stonethrowaway on 8/17/24, 3:18 PM

  > Disclaimer: I'm not a psychiatrist, nor am I a doctor or have any medical background or really any authority to talk about any of this. I'm a programmer and I didn't even finish my masters. I might be autistic but haven't been diagnosed (assessment soon!) so for now I'm just a Weird Nerd who writes about complexity aaaaaand let's move on to the interesting stuff.

• by recursivedoubts on 8/17/24, 3:33 PM

  love is willing the good of the other

  you learn to love by loving, i see no reason to call this difficult process gaslighting and i see every reason to call it acquiring virtue

  "You Can Become Virtuous Enough To Love Someone"

• by superb-owl on 8/17/24, 3:29 PM

  I tried to gaslight myself into romantically loving a wonderful, kind person--the kind of person I should want to marry. It didn't work and just ended up hurting both of us. Ymmv

• by knighthack on 8/17/24, 3:40 PM

  > What you're doing here is replacing a possibly incorrect view of the world with another possibly incorrect one. You're doing this because (the search for truth is a futile one because) given the choice of being sad and maybe right and being happy and ever so slightly more wrong, you should choose the latter.

  I completely disagree with this.

  You must avoid a choice that lets you be happy and "slightly more wrong", if that choice ultimately deviates from the truth.

  Always pursue truth first. It is knowing the truth that often leads to fulfilment, even if it may not lead to immediate happiness. because with truth can now grasp at the problem and find a way to fix it. Ignorant bliss is only a temporary salve, and cuts short the route to true fulfilment.

  Always opt for truth no matter how sad/bad it makes you feel. Emotions are fleeting; the truth isn't, and knowing the truth is what gives you more control over your emotions.