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Ask HN: How would you orient your life if you could not have children?

by maxdoop on 2/12/24, 2:50 PM with 2 comments

There was an article posted here yesterday about the decline of children having counsins. Aka, more and more people are not having children.

This spawned several threads about the "importance" of having children; about how "selfish" it is to not have children (I will refrain from voicing thoughts on that claim); and how having children is, in and of itself, the most meaningful thing a person can do.

As someone who cannot have children due to cancer as a teenager, I am curious to hear others' experiences in having a life without their own offspring.

How have you organized your life? What have you attached yourself to in order to find fulfillment? What tips or ideas might you have on the topic?

  • by jslabovitz on 2/12/24, 5:17 PM

    I have never had the urge to have children. And whether consciously or not, I've never dated people who wanted kids.

    I don't know if my life is vastly different because of this choice. But I've always loved travel and exploring, and I suppose my experiences doing so are far more possible than folks who have families -- and who consider stability something positive. (Not all families are like that, of course.)

    I'm in my late 50s now, and have been fortunate to be able to experience living in many places on both the east & west coast of the US, as well as Europe and other parts of the world. I've been able to easily move to a place, and just as easily leave, when the time feels right. I've also been able to put a lot of time into many community/volunteer projects, both online and off. Some of those led to burnout, but many were quite fulfilling, I suppose in the way that some people find children to be fulfilling. I've built a large network of friends around the world, and enjoy heading out to visit them. I also enjoy my 'base' in a quiet part of a rural US state, where I can exist with only the bugs & the birds.

    I'll close with saying that, in a way, I also 'can't' have children, but not because of the usual reasons. I have pretty extreme sensitivities to noise, light, chaotic social situations, and the like. In talking to every friend who's a parent who's related their parental/family life to me, I know I'd be so incredibly overwhelmed that I'd likely abandon the situation -- which would be clearly bad for everyone. Hence, I've chosen the other path -- and it's a good one!

  • by tshirttime on 2/12/24, 3:06 PM

    Orient it the same way as someone who could but doesn't.