from Hacker News

Open-relationship enthusiasts crash mainstream romance apps

by andygcook on 1/19/24, 7:38 PM with 46 comments

  • by garciasn on 1/19/24, 8:21 PM

    Open relationships are nearly impossible to navigate from either side and as someone who has done it on more than one occasion, I very strongly recommend that if you’re considering it, reconsider—hard.

    They are often a last ditch effort at offsetting dead bedrooms, relationship problems, or other significant issues and they are often a cause of severe dating stress on you, your primary, and your secondary/tertiary/etc partners.

    If you do want to absolutely do it, don’t do it via a mainstream app or don’t do it as a relationship—keep it as a hookup. But, if you insist this is good for you, instead join some sort of tight-knit community that is more open to such alternative relationship styles or you’re going to have a bad time. A really bad time.

    In my extensive experience, of those who are open to open/polyamory are either doing it themselves or have serious issues with self-image and/or mental health. Of those who aren’t in these camps, the stress of the relationship dynamics will end up in hurt, pain, and a never-ending conversation about the situation or the lack of separation from the primary.

    Again, keep it to hookups or tight-knit pro-open communities and away from those looking for something normal or stable. It’s not fair to anyone involved.

    If it’s “working” for you via those mainstream dating communities, you’re either missing/ignoring the issues or you’re in a very tiny minority.

  • by alpineidyll3 on 1/19/24, 8:35 PM

    Human beings are naturally envious and covetous creatures. Everyone loves to talk about other people's love lives, and maintains strong opinions about how they should be, while paradoxically relating to the fact that love makes fools of us all.

    Meanwhile journalists rest more and more on sexual politics to elicit interest in a public who is very tired of what they have to say.

    How about we build stuff, and let people worry about their own love lives?

  • by potatosalad21 on 1/19/24, 8:27 PM

  • by diebeforei485 on 1/20/24, 4:10 AM

    There should absolutely be a filter for non-monogamous users. If you can filter by age and height, why can't you filter for monogamy?

  • by monkeycantype on 1/19/24, 11:29 PM

    I have good close friends, they are a little younger than me, in their mid 40s - in a poly relationship, perhaps the difference I see in their relationship is it opened up after decades of commitment, raising children and the trust and communication skills that developed with that task. In them, I see none of the illness, narcissism or duplicity you describe, but also they are not on apps, only their closest friends would know. The live their life and don’t go yelling poly all the time. I expect their quiet unadvertised experience is fairly common

  • by sgentle on 1/20/24, 4:01 AM

    What a sad premise. People who don't want the same thing I want are ruining dating apps for me? I know that calling people entitled is a bit of a meme now but... really?

    I mean, it's not just poly people. What about kinksters, single parents, people with disabilities, drug users, bisexuals, poors etc? Why can't everyone on the normal people dating app just be normal like me and want the same normal things that I want?

    Sounds suffocating.

  • by whoopsie on 1/20/24, 4:53 AM

    A lot of uninformed my-partner-never-gets-off-thinking-about-others, all-of-these-are-mentally-ill-people-in-failing-sinking-partnerships and this-is-society-degrading-to-psychopaths-let’s-go-back-to-1920s-marriages. Got some news about granny’s relationships back then and how liberal that time actually was. I’m not in a polyamorous relationship, but if you’re scared or appalled by other people being themselves, I guarantee you have a psychological issue and people you love around you are not opening up to you as much about themselves as you might wish. Life is letting you by.

  • by thr0way120 on 1/19/24, 8:20 PM

    There is an epidemic of narcissists in society which is not being talked about enough. And when I say "Narcissist," you have to understand it goes WAY BEYOND the idea of "oh, this person is just selfish."

    I was BLINDSIDED by running into a woman at work who was: - Dating a dozen different men - On every dating app - Pathologically flirting with new men everywhere she goes - Flirting with me and co-workers - Texting / Calling me all the time at odd hours - Living a lifestyle of traveling all over the place every weekend, maintaining multiple relationships with multiple men at the same time - Constantly on the hunt for new men - Meeting and immediately texting broad and deep with new men on the spot - Deliberately hurting / breaking up with men in a nasty way just to enjoy harming them and gaining power over them

    IT WAS WEIRD.

    It wasn't until I learned about Covert Narcissism and how it is a really severe psychological condition that I understood what I was seeing.

    These are the people who are pretending to be "polygamous" or "dating multiple people." It is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY and you DO NOT WANT IT AROUND YOU TRUST ME.

    Society has become extremely sick, and social media, dating apps have given the sickest people the equivalent of methamphetamines to feed their addiction for relationship "supply" nonstop.

    IF you grew up in the prior era, you may not understand JUST HOW BAD AND TOXIC IT HAS GOTTEN. It has FALLEN APART.

    Stay away from these people, learn to spot them, they are sneaky and out to harm you ( I was personally harmed by this woman who was playing games with me ).

    There needs to be broader awareness of narcissists, how they act and how to spot and avoid them. They are a societal cancer and the cancer is spreading.

  • by NoZebra120vClip on 1/20/24, 4:08 AM

    I don't read articles. What does the headline mean by "crash"? Like gate-crashing a party?

  • by lgkk on 1/19/24, 9:48 PM

    If you’re a normal person you’re better off just going offline and seeking actual connections.

    Most of these open relationship and poly whatever people.. kinda weird people to begin with. Let them live online and in therapy. It’s just not a normal way to live regardless of how much people defend it lol so the sooner normal people realize that happiness and love is found offline the better.

    Personally I am all in on VR and stuff like that so normal people can finally enjoy being outside while all the others are forever online doing whatever. Not my problem, it’s contained. Everyone will have a place they can find happiness which is the most utilitarian solution.