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Life Changing Books on Sex and Relationships

by rookie123 on 12/8/23, 5:35 AM with 50 comments

Hey fellow HN, 2 years back I asked books which changed your life most and got a massive response.

Since then, I have been thinking about asking the question for Sex and Relationships. So here we are, please share the most impactful book you have read on Sex/Relationships.

Additional caveat, good if you can add your gender and relationship status along with your answer for betterment of other readers.

  • by prepend on 12/8/23, 1:10 PM

    Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Levine and Heller [0] - this was really useful for understanding relationships and how I and others respond to relationships, love, work, etc. was rather eye opening to me.

    Boundaries by Henry Cloud [1] - this seems like a basic concept and I thought I knew about this but this book helped. I expect there are others so reading one or two good ones will probably do, but this is the one I read.

    Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl [2] - this is not about sex or relationships but about the meaning of life and why. It helped me think about how others view life and while initially I thought this was about professional and spiritual and intellectual purpose, I realized it’s also about finding and connecting with others and that helped me think about interacting with people on a romantic level rather than just with large groups or organizations. It’s a great book overall and probably fits into any person’s mind who is trying to figure out who they are and where they are in the world and where they want to be.

    I’m middle aged and ended a decades long relationship a few years ago, so these books are helpful in updating and improving a worldview for sex and relationships.

    [0] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888

    [1] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/944267

    [2] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4069

  • by joop_dev on 12/8/23, 9:11 AM

    Mating in captivity by Esther Perel. It touches on how comfort and safety in a relationship can pose a challenge on sexual desire and excitement as an increase in one can decrease the other. It provides realizations and examples that make you think and see your relationship in a different way. It also touches on how societal norms and views can conflict with sexual desires and limit us in expressing ourselves

  • by ahazred8ta on 12/8/23, 7:31 AM

    The 'Life Changing Books' thread from Dec 2021:

    https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29605394

  • by rgoulter on 12/8/23, 8:50 AM

    Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don%27t_Understand

    Key idea in the book is that a lot of argument and disagreement arises from mismatched social attitudes/communication between men & women, similar to how cross-cultural assumptions can cause offense.

    Presents a model that (typically) men socialise with a focus more on competition, independence, and status, whereas (typically) woman socialise with a focus on cooperation, inter-dependence, and intimacy.

  • by quantified on 12/8/23, 9:17 AM

    Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern.

  • by joshxyz on 12/8/23, 9:22 AM

    the way of superior man by david deida - this is a traditional take between the masculine and feminine.

    the alabaster girl by zan perrion - this is an in depth exploration of social dynamics in relationships.

  • by molly_radstowe on 12/8/23, 6:54 AM

    "Monogamy," by Adam Phillips: very short, paradigm-shifting observations about the assumptions we make about our relationships

  • by p0d on 12/9/23, 8:42 AM

    Good sex extends beyond chemistry and self-pleasure. Good sex strengthens the bond between two people and makes them smile more at each other.

    The Bible is my goto for sex and relationships. I am male and have been married for nearly 30 years. The bible teaches me to keep sex, and sex thoughts, for my wife. This is a very different culture from how I grew up. I think too many sexual partners messes with your head as you get older. You romanticise old connections when the going gets tough with your partner. Testing sexual compatibility is also a nonsense. I can confirm I was downright rubbish at sex. In a loving relationship you find a way and get there in the end.

    The bible is also counter intuitive about relationships, love your neighbour and your enemy.

    Many of the books and theories mentioned here will be long forgotten. There are still many like myself who lean on the ancient wisdom and teachings of Jesus.

  • by peacechance on 12/8/23, 8:00 AM

    The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities

    All About Love: New Visions

  • by domod on 12/8/23, 11:01 AM

    - The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman, had a big impact on my relationships

    - Tantra Sex - Kerry & Diane Riley, control & enjoy sexuality on an other level

    - Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship - David Schnarch

  • by jesterson on 12/8/23, 8:03 AM

    The Rational Male - Rollo Tomassi.

    I know it likely going to be a hated example, but nonetheless I strongly suggest to read it if you are confused or unsure about certain aspects of relationships.

  • by spit2wind on 12/8/23, 2:33 PM

    I'm surprised no one has mentioned Gottman. He's a bit tedious, but he studied marriages for 50 years. It's research based and not simply a hypothesis.

  • by planckscnst on 12/8/23, 9:20 AM

    Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski helped me appreciate certain aspects of my sexuality in a way that changed my life wonderfully

  • by alok-g on 12/8/23, 10:59 AM

    Human Relationships, by Steve Duck

    https://www.amazon.com/Human-Relationships-Steve-Duck-ebook/...

    The book aims to present research insights in a way to be of practical use for a common person.

  • by fuzzfactor on 12/8/23, 8:15 AM

    I kind of think that if you have life-changing relationships, the books and the sex will fall into place more sensibly.

  • by sirspacey on 12/8/23, 9:01 PM

    NB/monogamous

    Didn’t see them here so:

    “Our bodies, ourselves.” The old school primer on exploring your sexuality

    “The multi-orgasmic man” a significant change in how to experience sex

    “Conscious loving” one of the most effective books in shifting out of fear and into play to growth through relationships

  • by andrei_says_ on 12/8/23, 9:21 AM

    Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagosky

  • by sadur on 12/8/23, 10:36 AM

    _Radical Love: A revolution for the 21st century_ by Lídia Puigvert & Jesús Gómez.

  • by RamblingCTO on 12/8/23, 1:08 PM

    Attached by Levine and Heller

  • by jorisboris on 12/8/23, 7:37 AM

    “7 principles for making marriage work” had a couple of new insights for me

  • by serpix on 12/8/23, 2:43 PM

    Harville Hendrix - Getting The Love You Want

    Levine Heller - Attached

  • by maxlamb on 12/8/23, 9:08 AM

    “A General Theory of Love” by T. Lewis et al.

  • by marcinostefano on 12/8/23, 9:13 AM

    Venusian Arts: Revelation

  • by otabdeveloper4 on 12/8/23, 12:56 PM

    You're just gonna get 1001 self-serving suggestions on why monogamy is le bad.

    (Professional sex-haver tip: sexuality is like nutrition - consistency and moderation is 90% of being physically and mentally fit.)

  • by rramadass on 12/8/23, 11:27 AM

    Interesting thread.

    We can find notable takes on this subject from bawdy folk tales/stories/plays/poems from many cultures. For an English translation of many Sanskrit texts from Ancient India on this topic see the works of A.N.D.Haksar - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A._N._D._Haksar