from Hacker News

Ask HN: How do you build a social circle as a remote worker/nomad in a new city?

by nonasktell on 10/27/22, 10:57 PM with 30 comments

• by gregjor on 10/27/22, 11:07 PM

  To start, don't think in terms of "building a social circle," that sounds like a chore or an experiment. You want to meet more people so you can make friends. You do that organically, by putting yourself in situations where you might meet someone you like. Those situations depend on your age, interests, and the place you live.

  If you have trouble meeting people or maintaining a friendship you might want to get therapy. Or try joining Toastmasters to get over shyness. Don't worry about meeting people just like you, with the same interests ("like-minded weirdos"). You get over shyness by imagining a not-shy version of yourself and acting that out. After a while that becomes second nature.

  Act like a good friend, show concern for your friends, make time for them. Don't do everything over social media. Use your phone to call people to maintain connections. Try hobbies and activities that will put you in group situations. Laugh and have fun, try new things.

• by buffalobuffalo on 10/28/22, 1:25 PM

  Having been a remote worker for close to a decade, I've tried a lot of approaches. The best one I've found has been classes. Sign up for classes at a community college. Or language classes. Or sculpting classes. Anything that sounds interesting.

  The real goal is to make sure you get to talk to people multiple times. That's the way you build relationships. One off meetings rarely lead to anything.

• by mattwest on 10/27/22, 11:26 PM

  In my opinion the best way to make friends is be the person that "makes friends everywhere you go". There is huge benefit to learning more about peoples' lives, even if you never see that person again.

  Regardless of what some people may say, it's normal to strike up a conversation with a random person (in the US at least). Just do that with more people and you'll eventually find good friends.

• by soueuls on 10/28/22, 12:04 AM

  I try to be useful in my local community.

  I was living in a condo in Thailand and noticed there were many designers. I offered my help on the WhatsApp conversation to make a free workshop about AI generated images, because I thought many designers might not know about it but gain something valuable from it.

  After the workshop we just naturally went to grab some beers.

  I like to give free and fun programming courses for kids to get them interested in science. Of course these kids come with their parents, or siblings, etc.

  I don’t want to quote the Bible, but just try to be useful, entertaining, tell good stories, or just be easy to be around.

  If you work from home, do something unexpected once a week (it could literally be anything : I became friend with a prostitute in Phuket, because I was reading Don Quichotte earlier this year. I did not want to read from my place, so I just decided to head for the closest bar, order a cold beer or two and enjoy my classic. Few of them came to engage the conversation because the bar was almost empty because of Covid, I treated them as absolutely normal people, we just ended up shared life stories until late into the night, practicing English, talking about which part of the world we would like to visit)

  We are still regularly meeting to grab a coffee or do free diving.

  You can make friends with pretty much anyone (especially in big cities, you are not the only one feeling isolated)

• by cafard on 10/28/22, 7:33 PM

  Volunteer. You can probably find a place that can use volunteer teachers or tutors for a few hours a week.

  Sports? I used to see a lot of 20-somethings in kickball league tee shirts. I mention kickball because it ought to be manageable at almost any level of conditioning and coordination. But if you find kickball too tame, there are teams for all sorts of team sports, and groups for things like running, hiking, and bicyling.

• by majamazz on 10/28/22, 11:35 AM

  Often had this problem as a nomad (sometimes you find people you click with, but sometimes it's really lonely) and as I couldn't find any good app that would allow me to easily find people I actually liked between locations and to keep in touch with them as I moved on, I co-founded Revity App which helps remote workers and nomads find others who share their hobbies, connect online and then meet offline!

  We need beta testers (I am about to make a post about this on here) so would be awesome to have you there for free: https://community.revityapp.com/plans/245832?bundle_token=83...

  We're focused on people who like the outdoors, because 1. that's what we both love, 2. there's something about people who like outdoor sports and adventure activities that makes us get along with each other, across cultures and age.

• by potta_coffee on 10/27/22, 11:28 PM

  I have a church and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, which both provide me with meaningful relationships. I prefer this to a social circle driven by work.

• by jameshush on 10/28/22, 11:06 AM

  Get a hobby outside of work. Mine is English standup comedy (I live in Taiwan). There’s only 10-15 people really doing it here but its easy to make friends naturally by showing up consistently every week. This goes for any hobby too.

  Performing arts are my favorite because building comradery when you’re all on stage together happens naturally.

• by poorbutdebtfree on 10/28/22, 9:47 PM

  The best friends you will make are through shared pain and adversity. This is generally why lifelong friendships develop in college, the military, and startups. Seek something to endure and you'll have friends that you'll invite to your kid's wedding 25 years later.

• by iancmceachern on 10/28/22, 7:53 PM

  For us it's always been dogs. We have dogs, and therefore are out in our city all the time, at dog parks, on trails, at outdoor events. Dogs are the ultimate companion and also really help to meet others with similar likea and values.

• by hayst4ck on 10/30/22, 10:05 AM

  The iron law of friendship: Friendship = proximity * time

  The equation is incredibly simple, but not very easy.

  Most people will recommend clubs or activities to get proximity. As a nomad, community living, such as hostels, can be invaluable. Most people will be ephemeral, but some will not.

  Time is exactly that. You must be around the same people for extended periods of time. That often means facing rejection by inviting people to spend time with you.

  So go be somewhere that is not your home where social interaction wouldn't be frowned upon for at least a few hours a week.

• by fattybob on 10/28/22, 3:07 PM

  For me, that’s always either been bars I drank in (years back now) or more recently, coffee shops and restaurants I eat in, friendly staff and chit chat with fellow customers has lead to good friends. Also - neighbours - but that can be a limited number! Oh yes, an old colleague made many good friends at various online arranged meet-ups - namely a whisky appreciation group - he found himself a large social circle beyond his professional circle that was most stimulating- so explore your interests, maybe chess club or gaming groups - something with social potential

• by labarilem on 10/28/22, 8:14 AM

  Mostly by joining groups of people in social activities.

  E.g. Going to the gym, doing some sports, attending meetups & conferences

  You could also just go to a bar, it would work too but it'd be more difficult generally. Shyness also doesn't make it happen in a bar.

  Some important factors to form friendships are: spending often time together, overcoming challenges together and having common interests. So look for activities that involve these factors. As you can now see, sports are good at this.

• by Goosey on 10/28/22, 1:23 AM

  I met my best friend through Bumble's "friend mode". You do have to deal with many men on there to find hookups ala Grindr, but real friends are out there.

• by legerdemain on 10/28/22, 8:08 AM

  I don't have a clue, tell me if you find out. I suspect that others who say "just put yourself out there" or whatever either don't know how hard it is, or they live in some kind of artist colony metropolis where everyone is on the same wavelength. I personally do a lot of things in public (gym, cafes, outdoors, shows), and I have spontaneous conversations with strangers once a month at best.

• by Am4TIfIsER0ppos on 10/28/22, 2:30 AM

  You're not supposed to. Being a remote worker is supposed to cut you off from social interaction and blur the separation between work and private.

• by asdff on 10/28/22, 4:52 AM

  Meet your neighbors and find local hobbies.