by dominotw on 10/19/22, 9:00 AM with 343 comments
I was one of those ppl that made the decision of not having kids. I am a 40 yr old man now. This was the single worst decision I've ever made in my whole life. My spouse is 39 so the window has closed for biological children, more or less.
My life is now dominated by regret every day. I just can't get over that feeling. I've tried many things like therapy, counseling ect. It only helps for a little bit but I am still doing therapy. Some nights I wake up with panic and stay up all night with shallow breathing and high heart rate.
I used to LOVE working and all things tech, now just make do and do bare minimum to not get fired. I 've gotten few promotions here and there but nowhere near my potential of where my career could've been. Everything is just secondary, nothing is interesting.
I am constantly triggered by families and young kids. Even reading that post sent my heart rate soaring (apple watch) with anxiety . I just don't know what to do, its too unbearable. I fantasize about things like getting cancer and that seems to calm me down a little bit. Sometimes I fantasize about leaving my spouse, who I love to death, find someone who I can have a child with.
by luxurytent on 10/19/22, 9:35 AM
You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you need to figure out yourself before, or at least in parallel, to working on introducing young children into your family.
It's hard to offer specific advice on such a broad topic to a stranger. You've taken the right steps (therapy, counseling), but you have yet to find your inner peace. What do your social connections look like? Genuine social connection is usually highly correlated with happiness. Those connections can give you a sense of purpose (which is part of having kids) and a "place" in this growingly isolated world.
I'd start there, if you have not. Investing in people and in the relationships you have is absolutely critical to ones happiness. I'd be curious to hear more about how you see this part of your life.
by helloworld11 on 10/19/22, 1:45 PM
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-lon...
noteworthy quote from the article:
"The widely cited statistic that one in three women ages 35 to 39 will not be pregnant after a year of trying, for instance, is based on an article published in 2004 in the journal Human Reproduction. Rarely mentioned is the source of the data: French birth records from 1670 to 1830. The chance of remaining childless—30 percent—was also calculated based on historical populations.
In other words, millions of women are being told when to get pregnant based on statistics from a time before electricity, antibiotics, or fertility treatment."
by comboy on 10/19/22, 11:59 AM
Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids.
It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some girl will find that.
If you cannot make it ok with yourself without kids I don't think it's a situation which you want to put them into. Seriously, there are many things that you cannot change about the world and about your kids. Being able to accept reality seems useful.
Also I've talked with quite a few people whose parents were all about kids - that was all they wanted from life. And these people as kids (as adults too) were kind of lost. Because if my parents only care about their children, what is there to care about in life? Should I also make kids ASAP and care about them? I mean, it is our biology but it's also a vicious circle.
Other than that you have some options, adoption, some other woman can carry it for both of you etc.
I wish you all the best.
by jlizzle30 on 10/19/22, 2:05 PM
First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or achieving something. An analogy is something like going from relying on my parents to moving out and being independent. I realize this step isn't for everyone, but am skeptical about 95% of ppl so confident they don't want to take a step their linage has done for thousands of years.
Second, the good news: my experiences (and accounts of friends as well) suggests that attachment to a child is less biological and more developed than you'd expect. When my daughter was born she felt like a stranger; I didn't know her. The more time I spend with her, the more she learns and depends on me, and the more I grow emotionally attached to her. This suggests you'd get 98% of the parenting experience through adoption vs being a biological parent. You'd miss out on stuff like "o wow her eyes look like mine", but at least in my experience, this has been less important than I would've thought. The big stuff like seeing them learn, their innocent joy, and you 'paying it forward' in the circle of life would be the same. (NOTE: these are my 2 cents as a biological parent. It'd be worth reading some adoptive parent accounts as well). Also, if adoption is not for you, I'd still recommend getting involved in helping kids in some way (education, financial, etc.); again, what are we here for if not to help the next generation?
by andrewstuart on 10/19/22, 10:28 AM
It's not too late.
You have discovered it is the most important thing to you.
So do it. Do it.
Take the actions needed to do what you want to do. And if you choose not to take those actions, or if you find it too hard to take the needed actions within the needed timeframe, then be content with not having kids.
To be brutally frank, it's likely that one day you will part with your current wife, and then you will have neither child nor wife. Take action to have a child - explain to your wife how you feel - if she wants to take that journey with you, great, if she doesn't then you both know that things have changed.
But act quick, because time is against you. You will be physically capable of having kids for many years to come, but every year past 40 it make less sense for a variety of reasons.
I only had one child, for which I am eternally grateful. I deeply wish I had more than one, for which I am eternally regretful. I left it too late to have more.
Kids are the best thing in the universe, and indeed for me personally, the very reason for living. I wish I had known that sooner in life.
And when you go onto the dating websites, be right up front about your situation. "I'm 40, I'm looking for a woman to have kids with fairly soon." Choose a good and kind trustworthy woman who you think would be a good mother. Make sure you bring the same things to the party. You don't need a perfect relationship. There are many women out there in exactly the same boat as you. Don't spend years not finding the perfect person. Find a good person on the same wavelength, get on the job.
Be open to the idea of having kids with someone simply on the basis that you both want kids - start out separated and then do a great job of co-parenting as a mum and dad who were never "together" in the first place.
Post again on HN in two years and tell us the name of your baby, if you are so blessed.
by oliwarner on 10/19/22, 12:16 PM
I absolutely understand the vicious and cyclical nature of what I'm saying, but half the time people feel like you go on to have kids and then discover that feeling of emptiness was just them all along. Having children can just as much separate and ostracise you from your existing life and social circles, and make things worse. So if you do have kids and it turns out you have a deeper depression, it's not the best environment to introduce somebody who needs all your attention, every day for a few years. It's not fair to the children.
You're 40 and you're not enjoying your work. Fix that first. It's a struggle many have, even parents. Honestly, life as a whole makes a lot more sense when you enjoy what you do every day, when you feel appreciated and see value in your work product.
Once you're grounded, you can look at options. Surrogacy might be an option for a biological or semi-biological match. Consider your partner's feelings in this too. Fostering might be the best on-ramp, but you're not going to be handed a kid to care for unless you're in top condition.
If you're setting that as a goal, make sure you consider that becoming happy with life might take a while, and it might take so long children stop being an option altogether. Make sure you don't tie yourself to a post if you're unsure which way the tide's going. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Don't let it get in the way of your enjoyment of life.
Best of luck.
by Scandiravian on 10/19/22, 10:17 AM
I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist, plus this is only a single post on a web forum, so I can't say for certain whether that's the case
I think you need to address the pattern of thought you're describing and that it would be helpful for you to talk to a mental health professional to see if they can provide some relief to you
A first step could be to simply tell your spouse "I think I have a depression and I would like to get better. Would you be okay helping me with that?". Make yourself accountable to the people you love and care about to take the actions needed to get better
Depression is treatable and you can start feeling happy about your life again, I promise you!
I hope you find a way to get through this difficult place that it seems you're finding yourself in
by fasteo on 10/19/22, 9:39 AM
You have been in the two extremes of parenting. From deciding not to have kids to miserably missing the kids you didn't have.
So, my question is: Is this really about having/not having kids, or is it some kind of existential crisis projected in the absence of kids in your life?
by dmos62 on 10/19/22, 10:16 AM
I don't know why, but your story made me think of volunteering. Have you considered it? Might give you a sense of motivation and meaning.
Also, since you seem to be in a fragile state right now, very regular outdoors or not-at-home exercise might be a good way to get mental balance.
by ryandvm on 10/19/22, 2:05 PM
Note that I'm not downplaying the seriousness of your situation by calling it a mid-life crisis - the mid-life crisis is real as fuck and it's a force to be reckoned with. I think the trick of it is to redirect that angst and energy into something useful. Rather than wreck your marriage and run off with 27 year old, maybe you should try an entirely new career, or get into volunteer work, or take a 6 month sabbatical. Who knows? In any case, be very careful of what bridges you burn. I'll let you know if I figure it out...
by davidguetta on 10/19/22, 9:33 AM
Not only biologically but also There are thousands of younger 30ish women who'd see 0 problem have a kid with a mature 40 y.o. (rather than a 30 y.o. whos head is not there yet)
Of course you probably wont have the same relationship with your wife but thats your life, not hers. And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years.
And if you feel guilty about reversing your decision to be childless, think that same way that you can give and take back consent any time, you have the right to change your mind anytime.
by tomatocracy on 10/19/22, 10:50 AM
Others have pointed out that it's not necessarily too late biologically for a woman at 39 and I'd add my own experience to that - my wife had our children at 38 and 41, and we had no issues with either conception or pregnancy. So don't assume it's impossible.
If you are in a place where she doesn't want children now and you do though then that puts your relationship in a very difficult place and perhaps you should try couples counseling if you haven't already. If she's open to looking after children but doesn't want to (or can't) go through a pregnancy then there are other options like surrogacy or adoption which might be open to you. A good couples counselor should be able to help you discuss this in a way which is safe both of you.
by prismatix on 10/19/22, 3:10 PM
As far as other people saying that children won't fill that void in your life - they could be wrong. I felt similar to what you describe, albeit much younger than the average new parent, and having a child did fill that need. That said, it brought up a new feeling of regret of having a child too young.
If you don't have children, it's not the end of the world. A child is fun, and I have had many giggles with mine, but I also have missed out on a lot of opportunity for pursuing and exploring passions that could also fill that hole. Given the added stress of and time consumed with children, I don't think I will have another. My husband and I have collectively agreed about the things that are important to us in life, and they are infinitely harder with a child.
All that to say, you know what choice is right for yourself and you still have time to make that choice.
by giantg2 on 10/19/22, 2:11 PM
Why do you have anxiety? Why do you want kids? Why would you rather get cancer than not have a kid? Without some answer or investigation of these, we probably can't give you good advice. And these questions should be something your therapist is helping you explore already.
"I used to LOVE working and all things tech, now just make do and do bare minimum to not get fired. I 've gotten few promotions here and there but nowhere near my potential of where my career could've been. Everything is just secondary, nothing is interesting."
This can happen to people because they had kids too.
by tomp on 10/19/22, 9:45 AM
Is she on board though? If not, you don't need to stay with her. Your goals in life are worth more, and you don't want to resent her for the rest of your life "you're the reason I don't have kids and I regret it always"
by asimpleusecase on 10/19/22, 10:00 AM
by throwaway0asd on 10/19/22, 9:06 AM
by zelphirkalt on 10/19/22, 11:19 AM
Some people are made for different purposes than the biological default activity. People can live great lives and never be in an (exclusive) relationship with any partner. People can do great work and advance humanity a little bit. They can be experts in their area of expertise and that can be already more valuable to society than another child.
Of course there are many sources of pressure or stereotypes all around us, suggesting to us, that a family is the ultimate thing to achieve and that we will all be perfectly happy if only we start a family.
A good friend of mine started a family and his stress levels are through the roof. Barely has time in his day to take care of anything else than children and work. So basically work^2.
Many people will also tout, that making a family was the best thing they ever did. However, studies show, that people are not necessarily happier after having kids and one explanation for this is, that it is not socially accceptable usually, to say things like: "Ah getting children was a mistake, I wish I had not done that.". People will paint you as asocial or worse, if you say those things. Also people need to justify their own past decisions to themselves and might really believe, that it was the best decision they made.
Aside from all that, adoption is still an option one can try. There are so many children in this world, who would benefit from being adopted, possibly becoming bright members of society. If you think you can love children, even if they are not of your own seed, then do consider adoption. I have a hunch, that it is not the making of a child, but its upbringing and the work invested in that, that makes parents love their children. It might also skip some of the most stressful times children go through. Of course adoption is not a thing done in a day. There are requirements.
by rasulkireev on 10/19/22, 12:49 PM
1. Talk to a doctor and see if your wife would be able to bear a child. If doctor approves and your wife is ok with it, give it a shot. If you wife is not ok with having to go through a pregnancy in that age (which is totally understandable), then try #2.
2. If you are stuck on an idea of biological children you could try finding a surrogate mother who will bear your child for you. As far as I understand it is your sperm and your spouse's eggs are used, so the child will have your genes. This might be expensive, but is a good solution. Again, talk to a doctor about this possibility. Perhaps during the same visit as #1.
3. If for whatever reason, #2 is not an option, there is another option, which I honestly think should go as #2. Adoption. There are a lot of kids that have been abandoned by there parents. It is always heartbreaking to think about their lives. There are of course a lot of things to consider, but in the end I think it will be a win-win situation for all parties involved.
I'm sure there are more options that I didn't think about, so don't think that life is over. Kids or no kids, you will find a way to add meaning to your life. There is no need to leave your wife or get bad diseases, regardless of the outcome.
Just remember that everything will be fine.
by loloquwowndueo on 10/19/22, 11:42 AM
by dustedcodes on 10/19/22, 10:53 AM
Source: my wife worked on the fertility clinic of an NHS hospital during her training and was fascinated by how easily this whole thing works and how far we've come to help struggling couples to get children.
EDIT:
Sorry I wanted to add one more thing. There are some quick suggestions floating around here that you could just find a new partner. I don't think that is as easy as people say. It takes time to build an emotional connection with someone strong enough for both people wanting to create kids together. You might waste another 2 years of your life to just find that person if not longer.
Also... unless your spouse is dead against children it's just plain disrespectful to her. She is also a human being who deserves happiness and you guys have found each other and if you love her and she is also open to having kids now then you should definitely try to have kids with her. Imagine you have a daughter one day who is 40 years old with a partner that wants kids. You wouldn't want that guy to treat your daughter the way others suggest here. Also, fathering children is a process, we don't like talking about it but there are many things which can go wrong. If I was you I wouldn't want to go through any painful issues with someone who I just met recently. If you and your spouse love each other you can support each other through whatever happens. That is important as well.
by fsloth on 10/19/22, 9:37 AM
That said, are you sure you are otherwise ok? What you write sounds like you may be dissatisfied of your current life in other dimensions as well as not just "having kids". Please don't get kids just as a bandaid, if the motivation is that your life sucks and you imagine getting kids will make your life better - because it likely wont.
Speaking from experience - especially dreaming of an easy way out (I wish I had cancer) sounds like you may have mental health issues. When I was into clinical depression I used to dream of getting a disease and dying out. I really suggest you talk to a professional about these feelings.
by zonethundery on 10/19/22, 1:06 PM
It isn't too late, biologically speaking, and wont be for a few years yet. In VHCOL coastal cities it is not unusual at all for couples to have first children at your age or a little later. But if you're burnt out at your job and having panic attacks walking by playgrounds you aint ready.
by pipnonsense on 10/19/22, 9:30 AM
by shagymoe on 10/19/22, 2:17 PM
by tracker1 on 10/19/22, 12:57 PM
At 47yo, I can relate... I have been married a couple times, and do have step-children. I sometimes grieve that I didn't get the chance to go through the earlier years with someone. At this point, I'm definitely not in a position to deal with very young children. I think it would have been nice to put more efforts into this while I was younger.
I would suggest finding a good place to do some volunteer work, which can help with getting past the funk and bringing some fulfillment into your life. Maybe seek counselling regarding any particular depression.
by pdm55 on 10/19/22, 11:44 AM
How do we cope?
I was a school teacher and now being a tutor has given me some interaction with teens. I am grateful for this.
My wife loves animals. I think our pets have given her something to cuddle and care for.
I think the only bonus to not having had kids is that we have missed out on the pain that friends have gone through when their child has died through an accident or health problem.
by the_gipsy on 10/19/22, 10:46 AM
Either adopt or figure out what do you expect from life, deep down. Then think about what you will expect at different stages as you age. Remember that you have changed expectations radically at least once. Self-change is a good thing, forget about integrity and focus on your desires.
You will die alone, most likely. Virtually all old people in retirement homes are disappointed by the lack of visits from their offspring.
We all mourn our lost childhood when we lose curiosity and playtime as we age. Having kids is one way to partially relive your childhood, and on the other side you get to be a mentor to someone who will actually listen to you, most of the time. These two things for example can also be fulfilled in different ways than having kids.
by OliverGilan on 10/19/22, 2:23 PM
by digitalsushi on 10/19/22, 2:27 PM
I wrestle with this as well sometimes. I see myself turning into a Picard type, focusing on my work, my mentoring, my stoic demeanor, and being a secret, blubbering mess once a year when I see a Christmas tree in the neighbor's window. Then I'll tuck my shirt down, tell myself there's no time for such nonsense, and carry on.
A trick I use to fall asleep, when it's really getting to me, is to consider that there's a very good chance my hypothetical kid would be a jerk that doesn't like me.
by rootusrootus on 10/19/22, 1:46 PM
To be honest, this sounds like a mid-life crisis. Which is just another way of saying FOMO. We cannot do everything we dream of doing, we will not achieve every measure of success, there are absolutely going to be things you could have done but did not (for perfectly valid reasons!). Some of them you can do later, some you have to just accept are gone forever.
by chmod600 on 10/19/22, 3:40 PM
1. Get some feedback from professionals about whether you are mentally healthy enough to make important decisions. If not, try to get healthy before proceeding. But the default will be for them to tell you to wait and see, which closes options for you and your wife. If you get the feeling they don't really care about you and they are just giving the easy answer ("another decade of therapy at $100/hr, then ask me again"), seek another opinion or try to assess the situation yourself. Everyone has some mental issues and sometimes you need to move on with your life.
2. If you believe children are right for you, talk to your wife and bring her for counseling. If she's not on board and doesn't get there quickly, consider whether you are really right for each other. You have 40 more years together. Divorces are easier without kids, and if she doesn't want kids, then she hasn't "wasted" her child-bearing years on you, so there will be less pain.
3. If she's on board, go to a fertility doctor without delay, even while still trying naturally.
4. If it doesn't work, then you have to consider what to do next. Sometimes, trying and failing gives you a new outlook, and you'll value the relationship you have with your wife more, and move on with other meaningful pursuits. But also perhaps not, and you may still need to consider starting over with someone else. But there's a risk you will end up alone or with a bad marriage, which is pretty common.
5. Consider religion in your life regardless of what happens.
by vmurthy on 10/19/22, 10:03 AM
It's a conscious choice: You can use IVF / adoption other means to have kid(s) but be aware that once you take the decision of having kid(s), you can't really go back even if you feel helpless,anxious etc:)
Signed, Dad of two kids
by holri on 10/19/22, 10:07 AM
Why it is important not to have children. https://stallman.org/articles/children.html
by dougmwne on 10/19/22, 2:19 PM
I don’t have kids and don’t plan to. I know my partner is more interested, but not interested enough to actually have kids. I know we love each other deeply, but if they wanted a family and I absolutely didn’t, then love would be to help then find that, even if it wasn’t with me. For however incredibly painful that would be, I just can’t imagine preventing someone I love from something so foundational.
And ya know, it’s the 21st century so monogamy is not the only socially acceptable available arrangement for people who love each other.
You really need to start talking to your partner about this. It’s dishonest to withhold it.
by mjberg01 on 10/19/22, 2:21 PM
Quit complaining and focusing on the past get to work trying to have fucking kids! Stop wasting time on HN and go start spending that energy to try and get your partner pregnant.
Plenty of women have kids up into their late 40s. This woman had 3 after 40.
https://www.todaysparent.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/i-ha...
You need someone to kick you in the ass to get your mind in the right place. I know plenty of women who have had healthy children at 45. Get off your computer and go get laid.
by naasking on 10/19/22, 12:02 PM
2. Adoption is always an option.
3. Become a "big brother" or do some other kind of youth mentoring or teaching.
If your wife is not interested in kids of any kind, then #3 is your only option if you're going to stick together, and maybe mentoring and/or teaching is what you really want to do.
by erdalbektas on 10/19/22, 9:05 AM
Alternatively, you can consider adopting a kid which will give you the exact same dad feelings.
Nothing to regret yet, just do it!
by frontman1988 on 10/19/22, 9:44 AM
by hdjjhhvvhga on 10/19/22, 10:02 AM
Trust me, you don't have any idea. You can't tell that until both you and your kids are dead.
Starting from the moment when your wife gets pregnant, when something strange shows up during the examination, through the trauma of birth, then colics, the first major illness when you have to spend nights with your kid in a hospital. If you are lucky, you never have to deal with anything more grave. But this is a random game. There is no guarantee your kid won't become the cause of your biggest worries in your life.
by gorpomon on 10/19/22, 9:35 AM
Barring that, fostering is a possibility, but the requirements to do so and the ease of it vary on where you are. Fostering is not something to enter into lightly, but it seems to be highly rewarding. I have a friend adopting the child she fostered, it wasn't always easy, but she's very happy.
by anonymousDan on 10/19/22, 10:02 AM
by carrolldunham on 10/19/22, 9:44 AM
by TheCondor on 10/19/22, 1:57 PM
2. There is adoption and fostering, it’s seriously important
3. I’d unpack this with your wife and a therapist and not HN. Kids don’t fix what is broken, they amplify it. Further, if things aren't right, you’re not only screwed up but you can screw them up. ‘Expectation’ is kind of a dirty word for marriages and families, if you’ve made choices and expected things to be different you have to be open to the idea that your expectations weren’t yours to have, there are other people involved and you love them and want them to be what they are and not your idea or fantasy of what they should be. If the idea of it having kids was to live a certain way (travel, have money, etc..) Understand that kids are a never ending life of service, but it feels good.
by AlexCoventry on 10/19/22, 2:43 PM
It sounds like a classic midlife crisis. The good news is, we don't have to do all those things our families and cultures conditioned us to strive for. We can be happy without all of that.
by mring33621 on 10/19/22, 2:03 PM
First, having kids is THE BEST thing I ever did with my life. Your mileage could/may vary.
Assuming you can get your spouse on-board:
1) YOU ARE NOT PAST THE WINDOW! My wife was 40 when we had our first kid. 41 for the second. Many other parents at our kids' school are similar. Some used IVF, others did not. IVF, while unpleasant, is covered by many insurance plans.
2) As others have said, you can foster, adopt or use a surrogate.
If you cannot get your spouse on-board for trying something, then you might consider leaving them. My ex-wife and I had been trying (then 30M, 28F) without success. Our inability to conceive was one of the reasons that I left her. She now has kids with another man and I now have kids with another woman, so it all worked out. I know this is rough, but it is also a possible solution.
Good luck and I'm sorry that you are suffering.
by xrd on 10/19/22, 4:30 PM
I had my first kid at 37, so it isn't too late for you.
Having kids DEFINITELY isn't rosey. Easily, the most challenging thing I've ever faced. What you write about anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I've had all those things and attribute them directly to the life choices I've had to make since having kids. Having kids means you are subject to scrutiny as a parent like nothing you have ever experienced as a software developer, especially from people close to you, your spouse, her/his parents, extended family.
I would say: get a life coach. You could have kids if you wanted to, but are probably blocked from it beyond just the circumstances. If you go down that path, you'll figure that why, and even if you don't have kids, you'll find why you do or don't want to be happy.
by binarysolo on 10/19/22, 2:32 PM
1) You and your spouse most likely can still have children assuming you two are in reasonable health with no serious fertility issues; age is less of an issue with today's medical tech. My spouse and I had our first child at a simlar age to you two.
2) Sounds like you have burnout/depression/something-else. Consider getting help from a professional (therapist)?
3) For me, parenthood is cool, tiring, and rewarding, but definitely not an endpoint of personal fulfillment. With all the socio-cultural changes of our times, our sense of self, identity, and value should enrich our families, and not be predicated upon society's value towards being a giving/sacrificing parent unit.
by baggsie on 10/19/22, 10:49 AM
by cookieswumchorr on 10/19/22, 12:20 PM
Seriously, whatever you think of kids, one thing is absolutely true: it's hard, it's very hard. Not in a poetic sense, but simply in terms of man-hours you will have to come up with.
Unless you live in a traditional patriarchal society, but if this were the case, you would probably have had several kids by now
by dctoedt on 10/19/22, 12:09 PM
Not necessarily. My wife was in her late 30s when we had our (and her, and my) first kid, and just shy of 40 when we had our second. Yes, older mothers are at somewhat-greater risk of things like Down's Syndrome, but both our kids are now in their early 30s, quite-normal adults with S.O.s of their own.
So talk to your wife — and (as Dear Abby always says) also talk to a licensed mental health professional as well: As others have noted, you might well have something else going on that you're interpreting as regret over childlessness.
by helpfulclippy on 10/19/22, 12:55 PM
There are many ways to “have kids.” But know this: no one outside of you can fix what’s happening inside of you. The feeling of loss and envy you are experiencing may not be what it appears. Often times our brains disguise painful thoughts we are unwilling to experience as something else. This might be a good time to talk things through with a therapist or a best friend or at least someone with whom you can open up.
by farseer on 10/19/22, 11:31 AM
by ChrisMarshallNY on 10/19/22, 11:30 AM
I am sorry to hear that. 40/39 isn't actually too late, but risks are higher. Adoption is a big deal, and I know many "late bloomers" that have gotten married in their 30s and 40s (sometimes, for the second or third time), and adopted, or had kids.
I never had any biological children, but I married a woman with a daughter, so I have a stepdaughter.
Regrets? A bit, but not that much. It's a long story, but I have extracurricular interests that probably exercise some of the emotions and drives that parents of biological children have.
by Kiro on 10/19/22, 9:57 AM
by Solko on 10/19/22, 12:15 PM
Do you want good reasons to not have kids?
- The future for them does not look promising at all
- Enjoy your life and travel anywhere, change job anytime, change location any moment
- Sleep whenever you want
- Use any drugs you want (even just weed is an issue with kids under 18)
- Start any hobby or job any time you want
- Buy an house without be worried to be homeless
- No guilt for be responsible of their life, of any problem they face, any transmitted genetic issue you may find later on
- If you have no family or relatives or friends to make your kids know, share and play with, it's pretty much like not having kids at all
by cranium on 10/19/22, 9:38 AM
If your wife doesn't want kids, I'm afraid that you will have to make a difficult decision either way. But, you can still become the cool uncle if there are kids in your family: take them to trips, attraction parks, movies,... and offer the parents a deserved break.
by tmnvix on 10/19/22, 11:29 AM
I don't know if this is a possibility for you and your partner, but if you want children in your life, maybe they are there already and would appreciate you being a bigger part of their lives? Uncles, aunts, nieces, and nephews are amazing. Often times very close.
by riebnik on 10/19/22, 9:54 AM
Giving up on having kids and staying with your partner, trying to cope with regret. I bet the regret alreay takes a toll on the relationship and the probability is high that the relationship ends in a divorce either way. (Divorce statistics in your region?)
Divorce and find a younger and religious woman ready to have many kids. You might lose some friends and people might turn away considering your behavior selfish. But you would gain a family and that would be your world.
It is not too late to correct a mistake.
by sirwitti on 10/19/22, 11:20 AM
I used to downplay it and together with my partner tried to find a way.
Anyway, this sounds like a relationship issue. If your partner does not want kids it's possible that some kind of decision is needed (that's what our couples therapist said which turned out to be real good advice in my case).
If she can't have kids - there are other ways like adoption,...
If this is impacting you as much as it sounds - find a way to get yourself a child!
by cat_plus_plus on 10/19/22, 2:50 PM
Now in terms of broader happiness, you got to realize that it's mostly a physical condition and you can't talk yourself into it through therapy. Having kids is also not a one in all solution. You got to do regular physical workouts, be in nature frequently and maintain social connections beyond your immediate family. All of these things are also important for good parenting.
Do not assume that you have to spend all your time coding just because you used to, you probably know enough that the challenge is gone. Find some other hobby, ideally with your spouse so that you can reestablish your connection and discuss these kind of concerns with her rather than random geeks on hacker news.
Also get a dog, but a calm kind that you would not be scared to have around eventual baby. All in one exercise, nature exposure, hobby, bonding with spouse and a taste of greater responsibility so you can decide if you are up for even more. Take heart, it does get better!
by BLKNSLVR on 10/19/22, 2:10 PM
My sister had a child in her late 30's (maybe 37 or 38), and before she got pregnant was actually spiralling into depression because she was having trouble getting pregnant. And whilst this kid is a bundle of potential ADD energy, he's also very bright and intelligent. Again, it's not too late.
However, fantasising about fatal illnesses doesn't point to a stable mental state, and raising a child, properly at least, requires almost inhuman mental and emotional stability (although plenty of people raise kids with wildly volatile emotional and mental states).
It also sounds as if you're fantasising about a 'solution' to your life, and have fixated upon having children as this solution. It sounds to me (and I've been known to be wrong on every level possible) as if you need to rediscover the joy of living and the uniqueness and diversity of the world / universe by experiencing more of it.
Being able to find enjoyment in life will also make you a better parent by way of example.
by falalamba on 10/21/22, 4:10 PM
I remember a conversation with the doctor who helped us - when you want to bring a kid into this world, especially when you're having trouble doing so, you have to want to do it 120% - you should never be short on will.
If you are regretting your earlier decision to not have kids, recognize that you have changed, and make the subtle shift in your mind to want to have a child. Dream about the boy/girl and what kind of life you'll build around him/her, and what you and your partner will do for them and with them. The dreams will spur you to action and the action will shape your dream into reality. Good luck.
by camgunz on 10/19/22, 3:21 PM
This isn't abnormal, some people I know quite well had intense anxiety at the prospect of being infertile, and I know a few others who have struggled with depression when that turned out to be fact. It's a big loss to grieve, so I think your feelings here are valid.
I also agree with the commenters here who say you should check with your partner, and if they're game go see a fertility specialist. Being on the same page here is important: at her age she'll be high-risk, and the possibility of pregnancy/delivery being harder increases substantially, as well as the possibility of birth defects, etc. It sounds abstract, but what this translates into is intense pain for months, and abortions if things go wrong. The stakes are pretty high.
But that said, I wish you the best of luck! The door may not be closed to you two and it's worth checking into.
by marcus_holmes on 10/19/22, 2:57 PM
But I also find it freeing: my life is about me. The pressure to breed, to achieve, to do what others expect recedes. Nothing matters. I am not going to pass on my genes, or leave a legacy, or even any footprints. I'm atheist so I don't even believe in any afterlife. When I die, that's it, everything is over and there's nothing left behind. It's very freeing. All I have left is what I want to do in my life, for me. I'd like to build my own house, marry my girl, travel to every continent on the planet, build a successful business. But if I don't, it doesn't matter too much. My purpose in life now is to enjoy it.
I suspect your really strong reaction to this is a symptom of something else going on. I've lost 10 years of my life to depression, so I know something about this. But not enough to do anything but recommend you continue seeking help. And reassure you that this is only temporary (like everything in life) and it will pass.
Good luck with it.
by carapace on 10/19/22, 2:13 PM
Try six or a dozen, try "weird" ones, just keep going to different therapists until you find one who works for you. Give each one time, a month or two max, but if they haven't been able to help you within a handful of weeks, move on to the next one.
There's a huge variety of kinds of therapy and therapists vary wildly.
by uptownfunk on 10/23/22, 5:23 AM
You can still find someone who wants to have kids. You might go through a bit of heartache with your current spouse unless she comes around. But you’ll get over it and you will have more than enough time to raise a family. And it is your right to do so if you want to.
All the best.
by e-master on 10/19/22, 2:03 PM
by nickdothutton on 10/19/22, 10:41 AM
by FrontierPsych on 10/21/22, 8:20 AM
I decided to not have children and it was the absolute best decision of my life. I would just have hated to have had children. For many reasons, not just one.
I've known it from a very young age, about 13 or 14 years old, and I've never had any regrets whatsoever. Maybe the slightest pang every 2 or 3 years, for about 10 minutes. Then it goes away fast and I don't think about it for another few years.
Best single decision of my life.
Also, the worst thing that a person can do in terms of climate change, by far the worst thing, is to have a child. Far worse than having a car that burns 8 miles to the gallon or basically anything.
But as others have said, this sounds more like a mental health/mental illness situation. You 100% should see a therapist. for sure.
by fargle on 10/20/22, 11:27 PM
It was then my wife, who was then 44 and I had our first together, and it was and is wonderful. The way you mention age implies something that may or may not be true in your specific situation - e.g. 40-45 is not automatically too old. Being older and more stable did make certain things about having kids (again) easier and more enjoyable.
And many young couples who aren't able to have children too do adopt. It's something to consider.
I found having youngsters in the house made us both feel young again. Tired, but young again :)
by segmondy on 10/19/22, 11:16 AM
by throwawaaarrgh on 10/19/22, 12:55 PM
by pingpongrandom on 10/19/22, 11:30 AM
by otikik on 10/19/22, 1:45 PM
The fact that you are getting anxiety attacks (or close to) because of this regret should be looked into. If you end up having children of your own (adopted or otherwise) know that they will make your stress levels go up, and you will worry about them and they will be a source of nuisance and bother a lot of the time. So better take care of that anxiety first.
Even if you end up not having children, living with anxiety is miserable.
So, get that looked up. I don't know you enough to recommend switching to a different therapist, but I can tell you it helped (still helps) me. In your case perhaps something other (a priest, or a coach) might be more appropriate.
by nvarsj on 10/20/22, 12:22 PM
Take it from someone on the other side - I frequently envy my 40 year old colleagues without kids. They travel, focus on their hobbies, and generally do what they want and seem happier and less stressed out. They have more money and drive nicer cars and have nicer, neater houses.
Kids are a major self sacrifice - you give up vast quantities of personal time and opportunities. It is a large trade off.
by incomingpain on 10/19/22, 11:52 AM
Imagine there's 3 giant luggages of your life, full of VHS tapes made out of lead(heavy). You know what's on those video tapes, its every experience in your life. There's tapes of the time you went over your bike handlebars. There's your wedding. Every bad and good memory in your history is in there.
The first luggage is labelled 'the past', this is the biggest and heaviest. >10,000lbs. A collected works of your entire life is going to be big and heavy.
The second luggage is labelled 'future' where every time you imagine something about the future it shows up in there. 99% of the time none of this ever happened. If you have an active imagination this luggage might be heavier than the first one; but generally it's big and heavy on average. Everyone imagines what the future may hold.
The third luggage is labelled 'today' and as you can imagine this is the only luggage small enough for you to handle. It gets heavier through the day but totally manageable.
You get to pick which one you get to move each day after you wake up. Can you imagine how exhausted you will be if you attempt to move the past or the future all the time? You can move only 1 luggage at a time, you can't handle more than 1. Don't try.
You also probably are doing even worse. You probably are trying to haul the past and future luggages at the same time and in so doing leaving the easiest one behind.
Here's how much easier it is to haul 'just today'. You wake up. You're not allowed to think about the past and certainly don't try to be nostradamus and predict something in the future. You may only deal with today and basically as things show up for you to do. You do them.
by rubyist5eva on 10/19/22, 1:43 PM
I just want to say you should definitely deal with the depression first. Having children is that single hardest thing you will ever do and being depressed will only make it harder. Continue therapy (even if it feels like it's not working - that's the depression - and it's a process not a magic cure), maybe even medication for a bit, start "planning" and giving yourself something to look forward to and towards and that will help with the depression because then your life will also have a direction to go in.
by stevenfoster on 10/19/22, 2:25 PM
1. Have conversations with your doctors, 39 isn't too late. Begin the process and see where it takes you. 2. Adoption / Foster care is incredible on its own and you can be apart of breaking a cycle of abandonment and loss for a child. I could not be the father I am today if my father's foster parents didn't show up and give him the care he needed.
Finally, get involved with the children of your friends and community. Before we had our son we were serving with our childrens youth ministry and volunteering to help watch our friend's kids when their babysitters couldn't help them. It's eye opening and something I think every human should do.
My best to you on your journey!
by ckolkey on 10/19/22, 11:28 AM
by timc3 on 10/19/22, 9:39 AM
by danso on 10/19/22, 2:09 PM
But if it's possible (financially) for you to have kids now -- why isn't adoption a possibility? Your post reads as if you were in the final years of life, rather than mid-life, when you have the perspective and means to make that big change you put off until now.
by 97s on 10/19/22, 11:16 AM
I was talking with someone about this and he said to me, what defines a child as your son or daughter? Maybe think about this for a while and then talk with your spouse about what reasons she doesn't want a child? Maybe it is a fear of childbirth, maybe she doesn't want to nurse, or deal with a 3 year old. There are many young wonderful children at all ages that could use a loving father and mother.
by dolmen on 10/19/22, 2:00 PM
(says someone some years older than you and who got a 4th baby 2 months ago with a wife same age as yours)
by heretoo on 10/19/22, 9:29 AM
by bhouston on 10/19/22, 11:46 AM
Men fertility declines slower than women generally. Men are good to 50 or later usually but there are always exceptions. There is rising risks of things like austism but I think all of that is after 40 generally and rises slowly as age increases.
If your goals are not the same as your partners then maybe your partnership has run its course. Shared values and goals is why couples stay together. Money, and kids are two of the big major shared goals and if yours have truly changed then well.
by IYasha on 10/19/22, 2:23 PM
I think kids are possibly the best investment you can make. But I'm always like "no, I'm not quite ready, not enough funds, no decent apartment, no time to have a girlfriend, etc.". Damn... you dug up my own fears once again. If you or your wife are having health problems, consider possible alternative methods. I've heard people had infertility problems solved by switching to healthy food and using tesla-like healing coil technology (really cheap).
by medion on 10/19/22, 10:25 AM
by rjzzleep on 10/19/22, 9:05 AM
by stcroixx on 10/19/22, 6:09 PM
Stop freaking out, it's not too late.
by nurettin on 10/19/22, 11:55 AM
You can't enjoy life normally anymore. Oh, you went on a european tour to appreciate some architecture? Well that's too bad. Little Josh will want all the attention. You had twins? Haha good luck with literally everything. The only gazing you will do is when you look at the night sky after you've put them to sleep wondering how good it would have been without children in your life.
Having them, or not having them. It is bad either way. Just cherish the life you've had so far thanks to not having children.
by factorialboy on 10/19/22, 10:01 AM
I deal with it as follows:
* Everyone is my child, I may have not birthed them, but I can have a parental feeling to just about anyone (person, animal, group etc.) in general. When a chance presents itself to give/contribute, do it.
by seydor on 10/19/22, 2:34 PM
by bmitc on 10/19/22, 9:38 AM
Secondly, you should absolutely find a therapist (edit: missed that you're doing that already), perhaps one that specializes in these issues, and also a psychiatrist to help manage your anxiety.
by nycdotnet on 10/19/22, 1:37 PM
Tactical: Do you have any family or friends or house of worship kin with kids? Offer to take them out to do something fun - go to the playground, go on a hike, go rollerskating. The best part of “other people’s kids” is you can give them back once you’ve spoiled them.
Check out hedy.org and go to your local library and offer to teach kids to code. All it takes is a web browser.
by flippinburgers on 10/19/22, 9:54 AM
by MattPalmer1086 on 10/19/22, 10:06 AM
I'm not clear if your wife definitely can't have kids, or if she doesn't want them.
by elteto on 10/19/22, 5:30 PM
by alimbada on 10/19/22, 11:12 AM
There are many women who have had children well into their 40s. Yes, it's more risky at that age but it's not impossible. In the age of modern medicine there's no [medical] reason not to try. However, you should really consider carefully as pointed out in the top comment by luxurytent whether having children will really be as fulfilling to you as you think it will be.
by tqwhite on 10/19/22, 1:09 PM
I know a number of people who chose not to have children. Some have some level of regret but nobody is going through the kind of dysfunction you are.
You have a lot of years left.
(Also, please do not adopt or otherwise have a child until you are healthy again.)
by codegeek on 10/19/22, 2:29 PM
No it hasn't. I just had a baby and my wife is 40. We did have 2 other kids earlier though. But age is not necessarily the issue so don't make that an excuse. If you want to have kids, have them whenever you are ready. Even if the biological clock has run out, you can always adopt if you really want.
Have you actually discussed this in detail with your spouse ?
by gadders on 10/19/22, 10:06 AM
Failing that - look into surrogacy or adoption. All kids are a blessing.
by alfnor on 10/19/22, 12:23 PM
Teach them to properly build treehouses, make their own bows and arrows, do skateboard tricks, handle guns, climb trees/rooftops, do parkour, and all that crazy stuff their moms wouldn't allow. Depends on what you're into, of course.
You will get to experience them at their best, but won't have to stand them at their worst. That's when you just hand them back to their parents.
by dazc on 10/19/22, 9:06 AM
by SevenNation on 10/19/22, 1:07 PM
If you really wanted children like you say, you'd become a foster parent, spend every free moment as a school volunteer (they're desperately needed), get involved in youth sports, sign up for every youth activity at your local church, and so on.
You can mentor and have excellent experiences with children that are not your biological descendants.
by tty01 on 10/20/22, 1:33 PM
by fuzzygroup on 10/20/22, 1:15 PM
by unyttigfjelltol on 10/19/22, 10:25 AM
by GreenWatermelon on 10/19/22, 10:04 AM
Also, consider adoption. Chances are there are MANY unfortunate kids out there who need a loving home. Just don't think of your adopted kid as the child of a stranger. It will be your own child in every conceivable way.
by andai on 10/19/22, 10:12 AM
by turing_complete on 10/19/22, 11:34 AM
by g42gregory on 10/19/22, 4:34 PM
by negamax on 10/19/22, 2:19 PM
by Chyzwar on 10/19/22, 9:21 PM
by whiddershins on 10/19/22, 12:46 PM
You will have biological offspring. You will feel better.
by subpixel on 10/19/22, 1:05 PM
Many parents aren't cut out for this challenge. But you can embrace it without being a parent - there are loads of ways to try to make a positive impact in kids' lives.
by laylower on 10/19/22, 10:28 AM
There is true joy to be had by loving someone unconditionally and I have found that nothing else in my life fills me up as my daughter's hug.
Best of luck
by sorokod on 10/19/22, 7:07 PM
It is possible that you would have resented the inability to work the way you actually did with all sorts of long lasting negative effects.
Accept that decisions made by younger you were appropriate for that person and move on.
by whatwhatwhat_ on 10/19/22, 6:15 PM
by SteveMorin on 10/19/22, 10:13 AM
It's great unless you or your wife have a specific medical condition you can sill have kids. We didn't need IVF, but have many friends that have used it very successfully.
by jjtheblunt on 10/19/22, 6:39 PM
Adopt either kids or a couple rescue pets. There are people who will remark it's not equivalent, but you really may find it's a very distinct version of satisfying and wholesome.
by pontifier on 10/19/22, 3:59 PM
by shove on 10/19/22, 3:15 PM
"I used to LOVE working and all things tech, now just make do and ..." ME TOO!
by sjducb on 10/19/22, 6:33 PM
Disagreement about weather to have kids is a 100% acceptable reason to break up.
by sghiassy on 10/19/22, 11:39 AM
by Xenoamorphous on 10/19/22, 2:31 PM
I thought we were late and it’d be hard at our age, but she got pregnant not even after a month after starting trying.
So yes you’re not too late.
by rumpelstinkin on 10/19/22, 2:32 PM
by erenyeager on 10/19/22, 3:38 PM
by spaceman_2020 on 10/19/22, 12:58 PM
Him and his partner adopted a child. Never seen him happier.
by imperio59 on 10/19/22, 12:43 PM
It's not too late!!!
by 12tvende on 10/19/22, 9:42 AM
by vonseel on 10/19/22, 9:33 AM
by locutous on 10/19/22, 1:44 PM
You can also adopt.
Talk to your spouse and figure out how to dive in. You were meant to be a father, don't miss out.
by bulldog13 on 10/19/22, 12:47 PM
One of my friends is literally paying for the house his ex-wife brings boyfriends home to.
:: shrug :: Things could be worse.
If it really means that much to you...adopt ?
by spalt on 10/19/22, 6:29 PM
by qwerty456127 on 10/19/22, 10:46 AM
by Jemm on 10/19/22, 12:01 PM
by oxff on 10/19/22, 9:42 AM
by jansan on 10/19/22, 9:43 AM
by unicornhose on 10/20/22, 1:23 AM
Spend time with your spouse, see if you can given them something they’ve wanted for a long time.
Think about adoption.
by theGnuMe on 10/19/22, 12:58 PM
Second 40 is not too old.
There are options like IVF with or without a donor etc…
I know many women who got pregnant and had babies over age 40.
by sebastianconcpt on 10/19/22, 12:50 PM
by Vaslo on 10/19/22, 11:50 AM
by maxk42 on 10/19/22, 2:32 PM
by adamsmith143 on 10/19/22, 2:28 PM
by lcall on 10/19/22, 5:55 PM
BUT, my religion teaches that losses or failures in this life can be fully made up in the unending next life, if we start making the necessary good choices and do our very best to continue forward. It also promises peace in this life and eternal life (with and like our Father) in the world to come, conditioned on our obedience.
I have high confidence in the religion (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) due to a long list of reasons which I have written, including personal experience, that constitute sufficient "proof" for me.
(With any downvotes, thoughtful comments are appreciated.)
by joemazerino on 10/20/22, 4:49 AM
by lambic2 on 10/19/22, 2:10 PM
by markus_zhang on 10/19/22, 2:41 PM
Please discuss with your wife and work out a solution. Does she want a kid?
by seltzered_ on 10/19/22, 1:12 PM
I try to remember some argue we've overshot population: https://scientistswarning.forestry.oregonstate.edu/sites/def... , and honestly get leary at seeing how friends are raising kids. One of my friends works with tutoring kids all day and very consciously had a vasectomy after finding a partner.
Why not partner with your spouse on something like ecosystem restoration? https://happenfilms.com/fools-and-dreamers
by mypalmike on 10/19/22, 2:54 PM
by levleontiev on 10/19/22, 2:35 PM
I am 42, my wife is 41. Our youngest child is 8 month old.
by dadboddilf2 on 10/19/22, 10:00 AM
by rr888 on 10/19/22, 2:45 PM
by sturadnidge on 10/19/22, 10:22 AM
by pvaldes on 10/19/22, 3:29 PM
Hem, not. Not closed, and you should talk with her about your feelings. Today is better.
by lawn on 10/19/22, 9:45 AM
But you should also consider adoption. You can love them just as you can love your biological children.
by 23B1 on 10/19/22, 10:00 AM
by mensetmanusman on 10/19/22, 11:53 AM
Almost every year the top request to Santa is ‘I wish I had a dad’
Many dads flee from their kids lives. Mentor them.
Families don’t all look the same.
by MrGuts on 10/19/22, 3:13 PM
By act how dearly them ye love,
Then every voice of wisdom joins
To bid you leave them in your loins.
- Abū al-ʿAlāʾ al-Maʿarrī, Arab poet, 973-1057by tasuki on 10/19/22, 6:14 PM
How do you know? Why do you think you'd be happier with children?
by DonnyV on 10/19/22, 1:24 PM
by SnowHill9902 on 10/19/22, 11:35 AM
by 55555 on 10/19/22, 10:20 AM
by the_70x on 10/19/22, 9:52 AM
by sherman89 on 10/19/22, 10:49 AM
by fergie on 10/19/22, 10:42 AM
by elzbardico on 10/19/22, 7:29 PM
by osigurdson on 10/19/22, 11:11 AM
by comprev on 10/19/22, 11:11 AM
by pascal_wizzard on 10/19/22, 12:24 PM
by captaincrunch on 10/19/22, 2:28 PM
by gamechangr on 10/19/22, 5:17 PM
by daoist_shaman on 10/19/22, 2:36 PM
You’re improving the environment monumentally by preventing a new lineage of carbon producers.
You’re bestowed with the privilege of greater freedom to live your life.
There’s always a silver lining, even in the bleakest of circumstances.
by CaptWillard on 10/19/22, 2:03 PM
by dustymcp on 10/20/22, 7:58 AM
by ss108 on 10/19/22, 12:03 PM
by DanWritesCode on 10/19/22, 1:31 PM
by spookierookie on 10/19/22, 1:14 PM
2. You can adopt.
3. Do not be too sad about it. I for one look at the state of the world around me and feel guilty for having kids. Guilty about bringing them in this mess.
Good luck
by f0e4c2f7 on 10/19/22, 1:00 PM
by ericfrazier on 10/19/22, 2:44 PM
by Mandatum on 10/20/22, 2:42 AM
by dncornholio on 10/19/22, 12:52 PM
by bonney_io on 10/20/22, 8:56 PM
by andyjohnson0 on 10/19/22, 2:58 PM
I don't know the OP, so I'm not going to address them in the first person, but I note that they don't say why they want to have children - only that they regret not having them. So I concur with others here that children might not be the main issue - but rather a proxy for general regrets and sorrow about the life changes that many people start to perceive in their fifth decade, as life becomes more constrained. I don't have good solutions for this, but living with regret is a hard road. I personally found the advice of the stoics useful here: don't try to control what you can't control, and the best way to deal with unhappiness over what you don't have is to try to be satisfied with what you do have. But I know thats easy to say and hard to put into practice. And it can lead you into the trap of inaction.
But I may be wrong. Some people just have a deep need to have children, ans this often transcends "reasons". While many societies see this as normal in women, we perhaps don't talk enough about how men can feel this way too. If this is genuinely the case for the OP then more therapy may be the only way to address it.
It's also worth them considering that actually having children might not address their present regret. I'm a guy in my mid fifties and I did have children (who are now on the edge of adulthood). Being a parent often was, and often still is, a immense joy. But it was also immensely hard in ways I can't adequately describe to people who haven't also done it. Again, until you get there you don't know. So its healthy to not romanticise parenthood and, for the OP, reflecting on whether this is the case for them may be an approach to take. Not easy though, but maybe easier than the alternative.
A couple of practical points. Physically, 40 and 38 is not too late (modulo any health issue) to conceive if the OP and his partner both want that. Its important to be aware of the risks of later parenthood, but very many people do have children at that point in their life. It is also important to be aware of the considerable strain it can put on a relationship. Give some thought to the financial implications too: its a heavy twenty-plus year commitment that will close-off some opportunities, and the cost of post-school education may come along just as you are starting to consider retirement.
We only get one life and I have no good answers. To the OP - I hope you find peace, however it goes for you.
by aaron695 on 10/19/22, 9:41 AM
Start IVF now.
Look at overseas options ie Thailand if you need a donor and it's tricky locally.
[Start looking at surrogacy] - This is hard
Continue counseling. There's something bigger going on, a kid won't solve your problems.
And who knows, maybe in 30 years time you can do it. I'd bet aging might be reversable by then. It might just cost $. I have heard rumors of cloning, also needs $, start with IVF.
by eunice on 10/19/22, 10:06 AM