by astrofinch on 8/31/19, 5:51 PM with 114 comments
by jrumbut on 8/31/19, 7:49 PM
After having felt isolated in my previous living situations, I'm now in a complex where we all hang out in the parking lot most afternoons. I'm a software engineer, my neighbors include bus drivers, clerks, landscapers, those who have no visible means of support, etc. It's a nice relaxed environment, which I don't experience when people who are too similar are around.
This is a problem with a lot of matching systems, sometimes similarity isn't desirable.
by mcguire on 8/31/19, 7:44 PM
Are we talking about a general problem, or about a group of 20-somethings who grew up with families, went to college where they had a lot of free time with a bunch of others in the same situation, and then moved hundreds or thousands of miles to a place that puts emphasis on lack of ties, short terms, mobility, and long work hours?
'Cause I can assure you that most of the lonely people in the world can't afford $100 per month for a friend network.
by kart23 on 8/31/19, 8:49 PM
by dglass on 8/31/19, 8:11 PM
by Arete314159 on 8/31/19, 10:18 PM
Current internet connection tools encourage you to stay on your screen. You could easily design a system that nudges folks to actually get together in real time. Let's say you've been chatting via messenger for 10 minutes. Then you get a popup that says, "{name} is actually only x blocks away -- why don't you continue this over coffee?"
Meanwhile, a real-time idea could be apartments or houses with shared common areas. I miss the common rooms of college where you just happen to run into people. We could do that again as adults without the 9-act dramatic operas that happen when you share too much living space with folks. There's such thing as a happy medium.
by spookybones on 8/31/19, 7:23 PM
by petercooper on 8/31/19, 8:49 PM
by hackbinary on 8/31/19, 8:56 PM
by starpilot on 9/1/19, 12:54 AM
by personjerry on 9/1/19, 3:37 AM
by proverbialbunny on 9/1/19, 1:54 AM
An acquaintance is someone you see in passing and have had a few conversations with. You know a bit about them, and hopefully enjoy their presence. Facebook, as far as I can tell, encourages building networks of acquaintances.
A friend, on the other hand, is an acquaintance you've gotten to know, but it turns out both of you want to one-on-one spend some time together. Catching up from time to time, or just hanging out. Whatever it is, both enjoy each other's presence enough to hang out outside of parties or meetups or whatever it may be. This usually comes from finding common hobbies but can be found through other methods. Sometimes I just like hanging out and watching a movie with people. Everyone has their preferences.
imho this is where American (and possibly Western) culture is failing atm. Many people like the acquaintances they know, but are unaware they can ask to hang out and spend more time together. It doesn't come up as a valid option for many people.
From there, there is degrees of friendship. Is it once or twice a year catching up, or is it someone you want to hang out with once or twice a month? This is often how circles of friends are created. When someone knows multiple people they want to hang out with once a month or less, it becomes easier to create group get togethers. I host movie nights, but go to gaming nights with people. It turns into that sort of thing.
At the end of the day, to have friends, you have to be a friend; you have to take that step of asking people to hang out or catch up. You have to be proactive. Otherwise, how will they know you like their presence? In a world full of people who do not know they can pull people into their social world, the few who do have an easy time choosing their friends and setting up their friend networks.
Not being lonely is important. Loneliness is the single largest precursor to depression. For many knowing how to gain friends is enough to curb or even remove their depression. For others there are other causes, which is why depression is such a complex subject.
Now you know what it is and how to do it. Now you have no excuse. Go make some friends! ^_^
by therealmarv on 8/31/19, 7:50 PM
by blisterpeanuts on 9/1/19, 3:04 AM
It's somewhat ironic that not so long ago, we were pretty much all married and making babies by age 20, and now we tend to stay single through our 20s while strategizing ways to avoid becoming lonely.
by lifeisstillgood on 8/31/19, 8:42 PM
It worked ok ish most of the time but I honestly think it is a significant part of the answer - as cities become more crowded just chucking people together to work it out has many positive benefits - child care sharing is easier at some life stages, meeting others, community activism and so on all seemed to flow naturally.
Along with Barcelona style super-blocks I would recommend communes / high density households as a good option
by dahdum on 8/31/19, 7:43 PM
Tokyo has a large number of Sharehouses built and managed by the full stack businesses the author mentions (along with smaller co-op styles). Roam Tokyo rented a floor of a sharehouse building which had regular tenants, coworking space, conference rooms, and a large commercial style kitchen.
The model definitely works well enough in Japan, including many with a mix of natives and expats.
by ScottFree on 8/31/19, 9:29 PM
by geargrinder on 8/31/19, 7:32 PM
by carapace on 8/31/19, 10:45 PM
by mbar84 on 9/1/19, 12:18 PM
by caser on 8/31/19, 7:17 PM
Finding good roommates is definitely one way to solve the problem, but if you’re not knee deep in a community with a strong sense of values and culture (like EA), finding matches can be challenging.
Also, as someone who has been in and around this space, several of the coliving companies you mentioned are not doing well financially.
Especially in NYC, all of the coliving spots (some of which have raised significant capital) have almost all their inventory in deep Brooklyn or Queens. It’s nearly impossible to find a good share in the city unless you stumble into it or create it with friends, which depends on having a wide network of people who have leases ending around the same time (or who are willing to break leases). Also, much of the good housing inventory is either taken or overpriced, so part of this also depends on either having wealthy friends or finding a way to finagle a deal on a place before it hits the market.
Last thing I’ll say is that one of the reasons why people only see roommates, coworkers, and partners regularly is because of lack of religious / school affiliation. It’s hard to get people to commit to something weekly, but if you can do it, it’s way easier to spin up than coordinating a group house.
The past few months I’ve been doing a weekly Monday breakfast with 2 friends —- it’s quickly become the highlight of all of our weeks.
Other than, I think the best choice is to find (or create) something that you’re willing to commit to at least 1x per week. Finding a spiritual institution (even an agnostic friendly one like humanist society or Unitarian church), picking up a martial art, or auditing a course at a local grad school (this is my recent fav) are all ways you can find more depth in city life.
+1 for the idea of community porn, though. 1-off events just aren’t the same.
by JohnJamesRambo on 8/31/19, 7:03 PM
by paulpauper on 8/31/19, 9:37 PM
by paggle on 9/1/19, 4:02 AM
by HNLurker2 on 9/4/19, 8:03 AM
by dagnysdildo on 8/31/19, 7:42 PM
by ada1981 on 8/31/19, 10:51 PM
Also, things like Ultimate Frisbee are free -/ we play every morning in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park; when I was in Palo Alto / SF we played a few days a week; and I even built a league / scene from scratch in my hometown of Erie, PA 20 years ago.
by alexashka on 8/31/19, 8:16 PM
The way to alleviate loneliness, is to do meaningful work. Meaningful work will inevitably involve other people.
It's not loneliness so much as being so fucking bored, because everything that took up your time in the past centuries, has now been automated, and you're sent to prison for 10+ years to break your spirit as early as 3 years old.
You send children to school where they have no autonomy, have to sit quietly and memorize stupid bullshit through their entire childhood, and then wonder why they go nuts in all kinds of unpredictable ways.
We're not meant to do stupid bullshit we see no value in doing our entire lives. What's a roommate gonna do to alleviate that? Just skip roommate, try heroin to forget this shit existence and plunge into a world of bliss.