by singluere on 6/15/18, 12:38 AM with 146 comments
by slededit on 6/15/18, 1:35 AM
Your manager should know the following:
- That if there is a problem you will always come to him/her first not try and work around him
- That he can count on you to do what needs to be done. You will go out of your way for her. If you've ever said "this isn't my job" then you will have only an adversarial relationship.
- That you understand what his/her boss wants, and therefore can exercise good judgement in using whatever leeway you are asking for.
Of all of these, that last point is the most important. You should intimately understand why they consider a conference talk to be something negative. Your manager should know you understand that and can therefore trust you. The fact you don't understand why they are against this conference talk is the root of the failure.
Note that the relationship should be reciprocal. I'm not saying be a slave to your boss, but if you want anything other than the traditional boss/subordinate relationship you need to have trust you have each others backs.
by AllegedAlec on 6/15/18, 8:14 AM
1: You are invested in the company in a serious way.
2: Your company is invested in you and wishes the best for you.
However, I think those are quite optimistic assumptions. There's a inherent tension between what you want and what the company wants. The company wants to invest into you the minimum required to both keeping you as an employee as well as allowing you to function as an employee. However, you have an incentive to keep learning as much as possible and broadening your horizons.
A manager's task is (at least in part) to try to resolve this tension. Your manager, however, has apparently decided to side with the company on this. There could be several reasons for this.
It's possible that he's a through and through company man, who believes that the company will do right by him and all other employees and that it would not be beneficial for the company (and thus not for any of the employees of this company) were you to go give this talk.
Another possibility is that he believes that you will not complain when being told that your wishes do not matter. This is quite common in IT related businesses, since in general these people are more agreeable and less likely to voice their opposition to someone they believe to have authority over them.
A third option will be is that he is afraid that if you are to give this talk and network at the event, you may find out that you're not being respected properly in your current company and may try to find your luck elsewhere.
I'd say that if you want to have a chance to establish a long-term working relationship with this manager, you need to find out what your manager's motivation is from keeping you from such events and based on that formulate a strategy for dealing with him/her.
by dpark on 6/15/18, 1:30 AM
Are you asking for the company to pay but the travel/training budget is insufficient? Sell your boss on why this is valuable to the company and why the budget should be expanded or funded some other way.
Does your manager not think you’re good enough to be giving the talk? Your options are probably to prove him/her wrong, get a better manager, or live with a manager who doesn’t trust/respect you.
If your manager is good, talk to him/her about the concerns and go from there. If your manager is not good, figure out a path that gets you a good manager. Staying with a bad manager is pretty much destined to end in a bad situation.
by nilkn on 6/15/18, 5:30 AM
To expand beyond this, generally the way to "manage" your boss is to get to the point where they don't have to manage you. While you won't formally or hierarchically be on an equal footing with them, informally you will be because at that point you can have a continuous ongoing relationship based on mutual trust.
by dagw on 6/15/18, 7:01 AM
Another point is to try to understand where demands are actually coming from. If your manager is placing 'unreasonable' demands on you, is it entirely his idea or is it because his bosses boss is placing unreasonable demands on his boss. Knowing this obviously won't make it easier to deal with those demands, but it does make it easier to put together and effective counterargument when you know whom you're actually arguing with. The most effective argument to make for why you cannot have the database migration done by the end of June is heavily dependent on who is actually demanding it be done by the end June and why it's so important to them.
by KirinDave on 6/15/18, 2:23 PM
Give the talks, quit if you have to. You don't need a manager who is not your advocate. I say this as someone responsible for many more management functions in tech than a technical tasks now. If your manager doesn't help you, tell HIS manager and be open: you don't need to accept this.
Bad management is a poison. Selfish managers need to be lanced out of a company like the malignant boils that they are. Take advantage of a seller's market for technical skills while you can, because there is no promise that you'll have this kind of agency in a year.
by koliber on 6/15/18, 8:49 AM
We often talk about things we could improve at our company. Many times it is fixing a bug or improving the UX. Sometimes, it's a process that needs to be built or tweaked. At other times, it's a habit that is counter-productive or something that one of us does that could be done better.
It's a two way street. Just because he is my manager does not mean that we should not talk about things that he needs to change in order for everything to work better. We are equal human beings and differ in areas of responsibility at the company we work for. I am responsible for building software and fixing it, and he is responsible for making sure that I, and others like me, have all the resources necessary to do our job. He is not superior to me and I am not superior to him. We all have flaws and we all strive to be better people.
Conversations where we talk about how each of us can improve naturally have a small level of discomfort. Special care must be given when pointing out how someone can improve. Knowing that there are good intentions behind such feedback makes it ever so easier.
by FLUX-YOU on 6/15/18, 1:51 AM
This is dumb. They are just afraid of losing you, possibly because you are under-compensated and they know it. Conventions are networking opportunities and you'll likely get approached if you make yourself available at a convention like this.
There may be a corporate reason (you showing up as an employee at a questionable convention), but you should have the freedom to go as an individual and not represent the company.
If my manager asked me to do that, I'd be on my way out.
As far as managing better managers goes: be honest, admit mistakes, give suggestions for improvement, and there is almost no management to be done. If they begin to rely on you too much without giving you something in return, talk it out to see if they can spread the burden or give you more pay.
by rdiddly on 6/15/18, 2:12 AM
If you're relying on the company for the conference in any way -- for example, they're paying your way, or you're going to talk about their technology (and even if you built it for them, it's usually still theirs) -- then the manager has the right to approve or disapprove. If neither of those two elements are present, and there are no others that I haven't mentioned, (or you can quickly make it so), then the manager needs to be told gently to fuck off, and why.
by vfc1 on 6/15/18, 10:46 AM
As long as you work under someone else's supervision, you will never have the freedom to do whatever you want, like for example give a conference talk or a million other things.
I'm sure it's not only the conference talk, right? There are other things. Instead of investing so much time trying to navigate the relation with your manager and always ending up in situations like this, I suggest trying to use that same energy and effort and dedicate to try and find a way to become your own boss.
You will then have the freedom to do whatever you want each and every single day, and won't have to spend all that time and energy constantly convincing someone of things that are often for their own good.
by tacostakohashi on 6/15/18, 1:30 AM
Your manager should be someone that you can learn from, not someone who requires your management.
by geofft on 6/15/18, 2:04 AM
Why?
You have basically two options here: genuinely work towards mutual benefit, or deceive and "manage up" and look out for your own interests while you work on finding a better manager with whom you believe you can genuinely work towards mutual benefit.
Many companies have a rotten culture and no other manager at the company will be really better. Many do not, and the idea of managing your manager is foreign to people who have only worked such places.
If your manager has a good reason (e.g., your talk is likely to reveal trade secrets), work with your manager, who should genuinely want the people they manage to be the best people they can be - including letting them find roles or employers they'd like better, because open headcount is better than continuing to employ an unhappy employee. If your manager is scared of having excellent employees, make plans to leave. Either that manager has internalized this fear, or the company's incentives for managers (i.e., the things on your manager's own performance and compensation review) discourage the manager from helping you grow, and neither of those situations is worth trying to solve. In the first case, you can try an internal transfer if company politics permits it; in the second, you probably need to find another company.
(If you need to deceive, I'd maybe go with something like, the event expected that I'd present and backing out would be bad for our company's reputation, but I'll avoid this in the future. Then go to the event and figure out who's hiring.)
by codingdave on 6/15/18, 1:56 AM
1) It is none of your company's business what you do in your spare time, as long as you don't attach their name to it. However, if you are going to events to give talks using their name, their funding, or with time you have committed to them, then they do have some say in it. Whether or not their requests are reasonable comes down to the next point...
2) As other comments have said, "managing your manager" implies a mismatch in the relationship. You should have open communications with your manager, and be able to talk through both positive and negative aspects of your situation. That isn't easy for all people, but if you approach it as a communication problem to resolve, it is easier to be positive about the process.
3) If you sincerely try to improve communications, negotiate perspectives, and just aren't able to get to a place where things are going well, you have a choice to make: Live with it, or leave. If you choose to live with it, that is when a 'thick skin' comes into play.
by benforreal on 6/15/18, 1:50 AM
by twunde on 6/15/18, 1:45 AM
There are some general rules about managing your manager. One learn how they like to have information presented to them (Are they big on presentations? Emails? 1:1s?. Hint: it's probably not email). Are there specific things that they look for, ie former Mckinsey consultants tend to pick up small mistakes in presentations, some managers may have a thing about about grammar/spelling mistakes. When your company is hosting happy hours or events, go to them and mingle. NEVER talk badly about your manager. Always remember that your job is to make them look good. For example when you want to give talks at industry events, you need to pitch it as bringing more name recognition to the company and to the department. Benefits could be found in recruiting, easier time raising money, maybe more clients (IT'S FREE MARKETING for the company!)
PS Hopefully, you were smart enough to ask why he didn't want you to give talks at industry events (a potentially valid issue could be that you're distracted from the work you're being paid to do)
by biztos on 6/15/18, 2:17 AM
This is really missing some context: were you asked to not give the talks because of their content? Were you denied budget to go to the events, which would be a completely different thing? What reason did your manager give for the request?
As a general point, you should consider what your manager wants to achieve, and to the extent it doesn't contradict your own goals or ethics, help them achieve that. If no such alignment is possible, CTRL+ALT+DEL.
by OliverJones on 6/15/18, 2:32 PM
If you say, "I'm giving a public talk" (or "We should move from Azure to AWS", or "We need a better defect tracking system" or whatever), it's human nature to resist. It's new. It's change.
Entrepreneurs often have long time constants. It's necessary for them to be stubborn, and stubbornness is generally a good personality trait when doing difficult things.
So, don't expect your manager to agree right away to your new idea. Give her at least her time constant to think it over.
How do you do this? It depends on the manager's work style. If she diligently reads stuff you send her, pitch your idea in email in the middle of the afternoon, so she can think about it overnight.
If he communicates verbally, ask for some time and pitch your idea in person.
WHATEVER YOU DO, don't expect "(facepalm) Hey, you're right. Good idea!" during your pitch. It takes a while.
Now, some managers will come to you after their time constant elapses and say "I have an idea!" and recite your idea. You have to accept this.
by dalore on 6/15/18, 1:48 AM
Unless he's got a really good reason, you haven't said. I would tell him it's your career and not his, but thanks for his advice.
by scardine on 6/15/18, 3:44 PM
Personally I let my boss take all credit for my work (not really, just make everything I can in order to get him promoted). When he gets promoted he is likely to carry me up with him (if not I'm working for the wrong boss). It paid out several times.
by maxxxxx on 6/15/18, 2:31 AM
Other people have the opposite approach always talking to their manager and trying to develop a relationship. From what I see this only works for some. In the end they want somebody who does the necessary work and causes the manager as little work as possible. It's pretty rare that a manager actually mentors people to get better.
As far as asked not to give talks it seems pretty clear that your manager doesn't have your best interest at heart.
by lemmicide on 6/15/18, 2:23 AM
Two, your guy seems to be throttling your notoriety. Flip that fucker the bird, and if he give you static, quit on that bastard.
The problem you’ve got right here is as old as the Molly MaGuires.
Are you exposing trade secrets? No? Then someone simply doesn’t want to be outshined.
by debacle on 6/15/18, 4:19 AM
by linsomniac on 6/15/18, 2:52 PM
"That's interesting. Why would you say that?"
by mathattack on 6/15/18, 5:47 AM
I would add...
1) Proactively give a weekly written status with goals for the week, what you accomplished, what you didn’t, what you need from them, and what you are waiting on for others.
2) If the damage is irreparable, time to transfer or leave.
by RickJWagner on 6/15/18, 2:19 AM
I don't want to work beyond that (though sometimes it just has to be done), and I sometimes have weeks where I'm just tired/lazy/not well and don't give a good 40. But I always try.
Using that formula I've managed to always have good relations with my managers-- this is my 28th year in the business, over 3 companies and several managers in each.
Oh, about the speaking gigs. (I've had a few of these too, and only once lost the opportunity to go. That one was a foreign event and wasn't really in my strong suit.) I'd use that as a bargaining chip in your periodic reviews. When the manager talks about your performance, mention going to one of these shows as a benchmark. I wouldn't try to use a minor show-- make it J1 (or whatever it's called these days), MSFT Build, RH Summit, etc. Something that means something. If the manager balks, I'd seriously consider bringing it up in a group-level meeting. Upper managers almost always offer a Q&A session, you can have a cleverly worded question prepared in advance. It's hard to claim to be a world-class company when you don't let you people go to world-class gatherings, so you should find some traction there. Good luck.
by hn0 on 6/15/18, 9:39 AM
I’d ask something like:
“I’m certain you have your reasons about not wanting me to attend the conference, but they aren’t clear to me. I have the best interests of the company in mind, but from my point of view this feels like a unduly limitation of my personal liberty. I do understand there’s not always the time or energy to explain yourself to those you manage, and I don’t want to question your decisions. But I wish you would explain your reasoning about why you feel I should not attend the conference. And maybe see if there is a possibility of a compromise? I hope you try to understand my point of view here, I do not want any sour feelings to develop between us.“
Also, give people time to change their minds. Just gently asking a few times a couple of times in advance, preferably during downtime or when your manager is in a relaxed state if mind. It might help them reconsider the idea, even if it feels like nagging. Just be wary that you don’t come off as “not listening” or questioning their authority. If you manager is really difficult you could ask a superior, but be very careful, you can be certain they won’t like you going behind their back.
by snarfy on 6/15/18, 1:25 PM
Meetings with your manager need to be two way. As your manager tells you how you are doing, you need to tell them how they are doing. I manage my manager by being completely candid about his performance as a manager.
by lgleason on 6/15/18, 3:04 AM
by ilkan on 6/15/18, 3:29 AM
by timdellinger on 6/15/18, 2:27 AM
You should also have a professional development plan in place with your boss, so that he/she knows the ways in which you're putting time into growing yourself professionally, and so that he/she can steer opportunities your way and help you achieve what you've got your eye on. If presenting at industry events is "on your list", it should be On Your List, i.e. written down and reviewed annually.
For managers, professional development of their direct reports is often one of their goals.
I'm from the No Surprises school of thought - you don't want surprises from your manager, and your manager doesn't want surprises from you.
by analog31 on 6/15/18, 3:04 PM
Perhaps a way to deal with a situation like the conference, is to get them involved early. Like, before you apply for it: "Hey, boss, there's this conference that I think would be beneficial for us. We'll learn a lot and if I give a talk, it will be prestigious for the business. It's a long shot, but can I apply for it?"
Also, in all conversations with your boss, work on your mutual enthusiasm for your career development. At the very least, it's unlikely they will say to your face that they don't support your career.
by joejerryronnie on 6/15/18, 7:02 AM
Every once in a while (maybe every 2-3 weeks), I'll pop into my manager's office and ask him the biggest challenge he's facing at the moment, i.e. what's keeping him up at night. And then I'll try to help him out with it. Sometimes I can take direct action to solve the issue. Other times I can inform my colleagues of the issue and help to prioritize a fix with the team. And still other times I just listen with an empathetic ear and give some advice or kick around ideas with him.
by nostrademons on 6/15/18, 5:59 AM
by LTjoker on 6/15/18, 1:36 PM
Managers learn through failure like everybody else.
by Mefis on 6/15/18, 7:58 AM
by everdev on 6/15/18, 7:12 AM
Now I have the freedom (and responsibility) to make those decisions. Yes, you could build a relationship with your manger and try to find a way to convince them to let you go to these events. Or, you can be your own boss and just go.
If you keep thinking your manger is "doing it wrong", it might be worth stepping into their role and seeing if you can actually do it better.
by mwerty on 6/15/18, 2:29 PM
Best of luck.
by psyc on 6/15/18, 12:45 PM
by shoo on 6/15/18, 8:07 AM
by zakum1 on 6/15/18, 9:54 AM
by bitL on 6/15/18, 9:27 AM
by cpheimbach on 6/15/18, 6:38 AM
by m0rc on 6/15/18, 12:37 PM
Note that the latest re-print of the book is named "The Unwritten Laws of Business". I guess that editors expect to attract more readers with the new title.
by jrs95 on 6/15/18, 3:00 PM
by powertorque on 6/15/18, 3:41 AM
by aventador on 6/15/18, 2:56 AM
by deepaksurti on 6/15/18, 10:53 AM
Keep crisp feedback loop going on towards the goals you mutually set.
Balance out the business needs and engineering implementation, aka manage tech debt.
Own your products and work with your manager to improve those both externally/internally.
Commit, Deliver; Repeat
by guscost on 6/15/18, 1:59 AM
by osrec on 6/15/18, 2:52 PM
Your manager...
- prioritises themselves over you (obviously!)
- is probably not the best leader, and can't deal with their authority being challenged
- probably doesn't know what's best for you
- will sabotage your prospects from time to time (even if it doesn't provide them with immediate benefit)
- probably sees you as a threat, especially if you're good at what you do
- will try and control everything you do at work (micro-management), and perhaps even outside it
- will forget things you've discussed and agreed in the past
- will try and ensure you never sense that the above are true
You should...
- send regular descriptive, emails that make your manager aware of what you're up to and what you've discussed/mutually agreed. The more stuff in writing, the better. This is to CYA (cover your ass). Also, it's an evidence of "work" (stupid, I know, but it's how it is).
- be aware of toxic patterns in your manager's behaviour. E.g. giving you pointless work, stopping you from taking a holiday at a particular time for no good reason etc. Once that starts, it's usually a downward spiral, and may signal a time to move on.
- look out for jealously. If you start to outperform your manager, they may get jealous, and that's bad for you. I think this may have something to do with you not speaking at the event, but I leave that for you to judge.
- mingle and build relationships with other senior managers at your firm. Eventually you'll want to take the next step, perhaps to escape the clutches of your current manager if the relationship has soured.
- try not to be too smart. Back down, even when your manager is wrong, or risk ruining the relationship. It's sad, but most managers don't take well to being challenged, even if your tone and intentions are good.
Having a thick skin, as you mentioned, is necessary for the above. I remember joining an investment bank as young whipper-snapper quant, trying my best to show how great I was at every task. Trust me, it did not go down well! After a few job changes, I decided to dumb it down and toe the line. Before I knew it, I started to get promoted to some rather senior positions, just by doing the basics and some long-ish hours! The key was ensuring that you're not perceived as a threat, while ensuring everyone around you is fully aware of your contributions.
by xchip on 6/15/18, 10:53 AM
by gorbachev on 6/15/18, 5:28 AM
There USUALLY is more than meets the eye to things like this.
I could think of several very reasonable objections from your company to you giving public talks.
by mvpu on 6/15/18, 6:50 AM
by werber on 6/15/18, 10:14 AM
by bendixso on 6/15/18, 1:41 PM
In fact, it has happened to me while working on projects. Some key person is off at a conference, while we're all charging to get the thing done, and it's not a good feeling.
In my experience, tech conferences tend to be more for developers and less for the companies and businesses that hire them. Let's be honest with ourselves here. It's kind of self-indulgent, like a mini-vacation.
It's not like you can't watch the videos online or go read whatever tutorial or documentation. I'm only speaking to my experience here, so maybe your conference has something the typical tech conference doesn't have.
I would only go to a conference if I knew that going would more than pay for the cost. If I were certain it would lead to many more opportunities than what I've got going on at present, I would say it's worth paying for the airfare, hotel, and restaurant food.
It seems like you could stand to gain quite a lot from going to this conference, and your company might just lose you. They are justifiably afraid of that, but so what? This is capitalism, man. It's ruthless. Everyone's in it for themselves.
Your company is subject to market forces. You are subject to market forces. They would need to find another developer to train up if you left, and if they let you go because you went to a conference, they would be taking on the risk of having to replace you.
So there's an inherent risk in going (on both sides). Can you currently afford to take that risk? How much do you have saved? How much debt do you have? Would you be okay with being unemployed for a few months while looking for the next thing?
When someone else's interests are naturally at odds with yours, there is little negotiation to be done. They simply don't want what you want, and that's okay. Can you afford to go get yours?
by dominotw on 6/15/18, 1:47 AM
Curious, were you told why? Seems really strange.
by a_imho on 6/15/18, 6:54 AM
by NikolaNovak on 6/15/18, 2:11 AM
First, the ground work - you can NOT start with what you want or demand on day one. When joining a new team or new manager:
1. Understand their constraints, goals, priorities. While you may be focusing solely on technical solution, they may have overriding cost, time, and other resource constraints. Understanding them, and helping your manager fit within them and achieve their goals will engender trust and start building a relationship.
2. Understand their background - technical, business, functional, management, etc. This will give you first layer of insight on how to reach them.
3. Understand how they like to work. Little things like: - How do they like information presented - email or in person or text message or phone? Small bites or long presentations? Ask questions as they come or batch them? If you present your information / request in way that works for them, you will have better chance of success
- How do they like / take feedback: openly in group settings, openly in private, or do you have to tread carefully
- Are they hierarchical or co-operative; do they base authority on status or knowledge or persuasion; do they lead by consensus or by direction
4. Per above, build trust, relationship and camaraderie. If you understand and help them achieve their goals, you are an ally they want to help. If you are (perceived or actually) uncooperative, unproductive, distracted, unaware, etc, you may be seen as irritant.
Now that you have a solid understanding and relationship: - As per the old (and cliched) Dale Carnegie's standby, before any request, figure out a "business case" - what's in it for them, or team, or company? If it only benefits you, it's a weak case. Almost always you can find a way to bring benefits to team, even if it's just enhancing your skillset that you can use on project, meeting customers, or something similarly indirect - Think of their constraints or objections ahead of time and address them in your request. If it's absence from the team, who can be your backup or can you do work ahead of time. If it's cost, can you make case for ROI? - Persuade them that they want this to happen. Don't ask or demand, rather present and discuss. If there's any way to tie it into their goals, thoughts, or priorities, do not miss an opportunity to present it: "As you were saying the other day, we need to reach out to the wider market and find new avenues for our products and networking. One of the ways I was brainstorming is industry conferences; upon some research I found this conference where I think we can potentially engage an interested audience", etc etc etc :>
Without more detail on your specific case, or your specific manager, the generic thoughts are all I can offer. Best of luck!
by tzahola on 6/15/18, 1:00 PM
Wait, what? I don’t think your employer has the right to prevent you from giving talks.
Am I misunderstanding something?
by Null-Set on 6/15/18, 1:51 AM